He tears up, curling against Nate. His whole world. Could he find enough strength from that, knowing that to one person he's not the villain? He owes it to Nate to try, at the very least.
"I've helped," he says quietly. "But I've also destroyed. And that, that's my legacy. That's what everyone sees when they look at me. I know it's greedy to ask, to want people to see all of what I've done rather than one thing alone, but I've never been more than a thing. Except to you." Because whole world isn't a thing, it's a feeling and more.
"The Anders boy, that apostate, the Warden who escaped for now, that abomination, the one who destroyed the chantry, that and this to the point that I don't even know my name. Anders isn't mine, I don't, I don't have an identity that is mine except for being your husband. I treasure being your husband. I value it, and you, so much. But other people look at me and they see... I'm so tired of being hated and feared. I wanted to help and instead I hurt. No title changes that, nothing will."
If only he could ask Cole to make almost everyone forget him. He takes a shaky breath, turning his face to kiss Nate's jaw gently.
"I want a cure, I want a life after the Wardens with you, in four years. I want to be a nameless healer with a cottage on the coast, and a child, or two, a house cat, barn cats, and you. But I've never had happiness last, and I can't find it in myself to believe it will happen. So I've, we've this time, in this city, and everything is that much more difficult because I know I'm going to fail in the city I've failed repeatedly in before."
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Date: 2017-04-20 10:55 pm (UTC)From:"I've helped," he says quietly. "But I've also destroyed. And that, that's my legacy. That's what everyone sees when they look at me. I know it's greedy to ask, to want people to see all of what I've done rather than one thing alone, but I've never been more than a thing. Except to you." Because whole world isn't a thing, it's a feeling and more.
"The Anders boy, that apostate, the Warden who escaped for now, that abomination, the one who destroyed the chantry, that and this to the point that I don't even know my name. Anders isn't mine, I don't, I don't have an identity that is mine except for being your husband. I treasure being your husband. I value it, and you, so much. But other people look at me and they see... I'm so tired of being hated and feared. I wanted to help and instead I hurt. No title changes that, nothing will."
If only he could ask Cole to make almost everyone forget him. He takes a shaky breath, turning his face to kiss Nate's jaw gently.
"I want a cure, I want a life after the Wardens with you, in four years. I want to be a nameless healer with a cottage on the coast, and a child, or two, a house cat, barn cats, and you. But I've never had happiness last, and I can't find it in myself to believe it will happen. So I've, we've this time, in this city, and everything is that much more difficult because I know I'm going to fail in the city I've failed repeatedly in before."