[What an odd thing to say. But Anders wouldn't bring it up if he didn't fear it. He threads his fingers with Anders' and speaks without thinking.]

I liked you fine back then, Anders, but I didn't--

[Shit. No l-word. He's been avoiding that one in case he's completely crazy, in case he is as out of touch with reality as his mother used to say. But remembering her means remembering now that he knows exactly what's real, and is no longer called on to question it. He squeezes Anders' hand.]

I didn't--

[What if Anders doesn't feel the same? What if saying it pressures him to repeat back a thing he doesn't mean?]

I didn't feel--

[feel like this isn't going to reassure Anders of anything. Fine. Lesser of two evils. He stops him and turns toward him, keeping hold of his hand. His heart pounds, he feels strangely hot.]

None of us are who we were back then. Back then, I would never have done this. I would never have risked this. I was too afraid of ending up like my parents, in a marriage that poisoned them both. Back then, I was too blinded by fear to see you the way I do now. I...didn't fall in love with who you were back then, Anders. I fell in love with who you are now. And as I learn more things about you, I fall in love with those things as well.

[All right. There it is. It's strangely colder out here, despite him feeling uncomfortably warm. Maybe Anders will run away, maybe he will...Nathaniel doesn't know what he will do, but he has some feeling that it's too early to say things like this, or too late, or something.]