Nathaniel's hands are shaking. One rubs at his face. Anders is still here. He's not leaving. And here they are hurting each other, like the Howes do. And who was it who started the hurting?
"I'm going for a walk to calm down." He needs to stop trembling. "Afterward, I'll come back and we can talk about this again. All right?"
Everything says he shouldn't let Nate walk away. Why would Nate come back? For him?But he can't force someone to stay with him, and so Anders nods.
"All right." Anders can't look up, can only stare at Purrelden as she bats at his robe tie trying to become the focus of attention again. His voice is as limp as the tie. "When you're back."
He's messed it up. Again. And he's going to be alone. Again. And it's probably better this way, because he can't see the rituals succeeding and Nate hadn't wanted to deal with Justice in the first place - a thought he can't pin down as Justice's alone or both, and he's too tired to try.
Nathaniel returns about an hour later to find Anders in bed with Purrelden. He nudges the cat away with a sigh, lifts the covers, and slips in behind Anders. His arms circle his waist and hold him tightly.
He's aware of Nate's return to the tent and he waits, nervous, knowing he can't afford to hope, and yet trying to do so anyway. The moment Nate's arms are around him he's moving, though, turning to cling back to the man and bury his face in Nate's neck. Nate came back. Despite all of what Anders is, Nate came back.
"I am too." He'd wanted so badly to not hurt Nate and he'd done it anyway. For several minutes he just stays there, listening to his lover breathe, feeling the pinpricks of tiny claws digging in as Purrelden reclaims her perch on top of them both.
"I love you. I want you. I don't, I didn't... I don't want to keep secrets, or feel like I'm holding something back, or make you worry about that. I've never had a relationship that's mattered to me this much. I don't want to mess it up."
"You didn't do anything wrong." Nathaniel kisses his forehead, his cheek. "You did the right thing. It's my worst fear to lose you and I couldn't see past that."
He presses his cheek to that fragrant hair.
"While I was walking, I realized...I'd left you alone in the tent, worrying about someone you care about so much while I was making it all about me."
He kisses the side of Nate's neck, not even the slightest bit tempted to budge from where he's at.
"It occurred to me that I could lose you both in this one trip, and I couldn't even find the energy to get up and follow you. It felt almost inevitable, like it was just a matter of time before I lost everyone again anyway."
His grip tightens around Nate. It may yet come true that he'll lose everyone, but at least he has Nate still for now.
A soft laugh. "I was angry because I thought you were going to leave me. I was never going to leave you." Another kiss on Anders' forehead. "We had a fight, that's all. And it's done. We're both afraid of the same thing, and the solution is easy: we won't do the thing we're afraid to do. All right?"
Nothing's ever been easy in his life except him, but this? This really could be. Nate doesn't want to leave him and Anders doesn't want to leave Nate.
"All right." The agreement is easy too. "I love you." He's not sure he can say that enough right now.
"And I'm not leaving you." There's a short beat, and then there's a little teasing in his voice when he speaks again. "After all, your cock is perfect. How could I possibly be tempted away?"
He always feels better when someone's laughing. Anders kisses back, letting the touches linger, before opening his eyes and looking at Nate, leaning against that palm.
"If you're all right talking about it, yes. Or it can wait. I truly don't want to hurt you."
He relaxes against Nate. Nate says he's fine so Anders will take him at his word. It hurt to feel distrusted, after all.
"As... As Detlef, I shared a few moments with her. I was certain I'd not just slammed that door but utterly destroyed it thanks to my deception, and didn't think on it further for some time. Until we were stuck telling the truth. Even that didn't say as much as realizing she could be trapped in the Fade and there's nothing I can do about it." Anders exhales, trying not to dwell on it. There's still fear there, though.
"It turns out I still feel things, a lot of things. I don't know how to stop. I don't know that I want to stop, but I do know that I absolutely love you and am not lacking for anything. This isn't because of you, this is because apparently my emotions are not in touch with my head."
Anders needs to be trusted. Until he comes to a time when he can trust and forgive himself, Nathaniel must be his trust and forgiveness. It's just a matter of time.
"I believe you. I'm sorry I was jealous. Adelaide is a very special woman, and...you and she make sense. More sense than you and I do. That's why I was jealous. I don't want to be jealous any more than you want to have feelings for her."
He reaches up and pushes Nate's hair back, palm resting on the man's cheek.
"Warden and warden make the most sense of all, even if we ignore how I feel about you. We've secrets that we can't share with those who aren't Wardens, and you know more about me than anyone else. You make me feel safe and cherished, Nate. There is no making more sense."
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Nathaniel's hands are shaking. One rubs at his face. Anders is still here. He's not leaving. And here they are hurting each other, like the Howes do. And who was it who started the hurting?
"I'm going for a walk to calm down." He needs to stop trembling. "Afterward, I'll come back and we can talk about this again. All right?"
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"All right." Anders can't look up, can only stare at Purrelden as she bats at his robe tie trying to become the focus of attention again. His voice is as limp as the tie. "When you're back."
He's messed it up. Again. And he's going to be alone. Again. And it's probably better this way, because he can't see the rituals succeeding and Nate hadn't wanted to deal with Justice in the first place - a thought he can't pin down as Justice's alone or both, and he's too tired to try.
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"I'm sorry."
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"I am too." He'd wanted so badly to not hurt Nate and he'd done it anyway. For several minutes he just stays there, listening to his lover breathe, feeling the pinpricks of tiny claws digging in as Purrelden reclaims her perch on top of them both.
"I love you. I want you. I don't, I didn't... I don't want to keep secrets, or feel like I'm holding something back, or make you worry about that. I've never had a relationship that's mattered to me this much. I don't want to mess it up."
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He presses his cheek to that fragrant hair.
"While I was walking, I realized...I'd left you alone in the tent, worrying about someone you care about so much while I was making it all about me."
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"It occurred to me that I could lose you both in this one trip, and I couldn't even find the energy to get up and follow you. It felt almost inevitable, like it was just a matter of time before I lost everyone again anyway."
His grip tightens around Nate. It may yet come true that he'll lose everyone, but at least he has Nate still for now.
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"All right." The agreement is easy too. "I love you." He's not sure he can say that enough right now.
"And I'm not leaving you." There's a short beat, and then there's a little teasing in his voice when he speaks again. "After all, your cock is perfect. How could I possibly be tempted away?"
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He brings a hand up to stroke Anders' cheek. "Do you want to talk about Adelaide?"
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"If you're all right talking about it, yes. Or it can wait. I truly don't want to hurt you."
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"I'm fine." One more kiss on his cheek. "Talk to me."
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"As... As Detlef, I shared a few moments with her. I was certain I'd not just slammed that door but utterly destroyed it thanks to my deception, and didn't think on it further for some time. Until we were stuck telling the truth. Even that didn't say as much as realizing she could be trapped in the Fade and there's nothing I can do about it." Anders exhales, trying not to dwell on it. There's still fear there, though.
"It turns out I still feel things, a lot of things. I don't know how to stop. I don't know that I want to stop, but I do know that I absolutely love you and am not lacking for anything. This isn't because of you, this is because apparently my emotions are not in touch with my head."
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"I believe you. I'm sorry I was jealous. Adelaide is a very special woman, and...you and she make sense. More sense than you and I do. That's why I was jealous. I don't want to be jealous any more than you want to have feelings for her."
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"Warden and warden make the most sense of all, even if we ignore how I feel about you. We've secrets that we can't share with those who aren't Wardens, and you know more about me than anyone else. You make me feel safe and cherished, Nate. There is no making more sense."
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"And you make me feel loved and wanted. You're right. Nothing in the world makes more sense."