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justice_is_blond - After Anders vs Nerva
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After Anders vs Nerva
Date: 2016-04-10 04:55 am (UTC)From:"Will you help me back to camp?" The question is quiet, and Anders can't manage to meet the archer's eyes.
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Date: 2016-04-10 05:02 am (UTC)From:He quietly takes Anders' hand so he can pull his arm around his shoulders, using his other arm to hold Anders' waist. He doesn't say anything, for now. Now is when he needs to take Anders back to camp. Then, it will be a matter of cleaning him up and getting him in dry clothes.
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Date: 2016-04-10 05:13 am (UTC)From:"I..." It's about halfway there when he tries to talk, more because silence is harder than anything else. "I was wrong."
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Date: 2016-04-10 05:18 am (UTC)From:Anders getting into a fight doesn't surprise him. In fact, he's surprised it took this long. There will be more fights in the days to come.
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Date: 2016-04-10 05:28 am (UTC)From:Several more steps pass before he can manage to say what he means, because it's not just his own guilt interfering.
"My control. It's not... I'm a danger. I'm a threat, to everyone here." To Nate especially, because of how close the archer often is, because of how Nate and Justice don't get along, and the thought of harming Nate is more terrifying than that of killing Nerva.
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Date: 2016-04-10 03:31 pm (UTC)From:Nathaniel sighs. "Anders, I'm not sure if you know this, but sometimes, people get in fights."
Hopefully, Justice hears that too.
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Date: 2016-04-10 07:28 pm (UTC)From:"I could have killed so many there. The armor, pinning me down, the pain from being hit again... She screamed about everything burning and Maker, I thought they were. I've a few seconds missing, Justice was taking over, and I could have destroyed the tavern, could have..."
He exhales heavily, on the brink of a sob. He'd thought he had it together better, that Kirkwall wouldn't happen again. Couldn't. Here he is, near people he's come to care about along with all of the others, and Justice likely wouldn't differentiate when push came to shove. Again.
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Date: 2016-04-10 08:51 pm (UTC)From:Anders is soaked with mud. There's probably more than a little blood as well. He turns Anders toward him, stopping their progress, one hand cupping the back of his neck to make him look at him.
"Look at me." Always important, to help someone establish what can be seen, felt, and heard, rather than letting them be swept away in memory and imagination. "Listen to my voice. Does it feel like I'm afraid to touch you? Do I look or sound like you frighten me?"
If Anders looks, pays attention, he will see Nathaniel's calm. He will feel steady hands, warm hands securing him where he is. There is no fear in Nathaniel's voice.
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Date: 2016-04-10 09:32 pm (UTC)From:"You... You don't." And there's such a chance that Nate's faith is entirely misplaced. That doesn't mean Anders does the smart thing and pulls away, though. No, he does the selfish thing, leaning into the stability offered by his friend. It's probably only a matter of time before someone dies again, and Anders isn't protecting the people he owes. His heart hurts.
"But you should be. He doesn't like you, he's never liked you, and I can't..." He can't control Justice. The spirit has outlets, they're actively working toward freedom and justice for all, but this is still happening. "If I harm you..."
His eyes sting. If he harms Nate, there's nothing left. He is lost and he has lost, and there will be nothing he can do about it because Justice has no desire to let things end.
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Date: 2016-04-10 10:03 pm (UTC)From:If you harm me, then it is Justice who will have to deal with your wrath, he wants to say. If you harm me, then Justice will have no excuse to pretend he is not a demon. If you harm me, I will harm him back.
But as always, Justice holds Anders hostage. As always, Nathaniel cannot save him yet. But seeing this fear, this helplessness, steels him. Resolves him. Even if the solution is to enter the Fade and slay the demon without Anders' knowledge or consent, nothing can be crueler or less violating than what Anders experiences now, every moment of every day.
He adjusts his grip so he is cupping both sides of Anders' jaw, sharing heat in the wet and cold.
"Have courage," is all he can say. Maybe one day, he will be forgiven for having already committed a sin in his heart by planning to carry it out.
"Let's get you back to camp and into dry clothes. All right?"
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Date: 2016-04-10 10:48 pm (UTC)From:"All right," he says, and knows the words damn him. There's no fight left as he opens his eyes again and shifts so his weight is back in part on his staff. Anders is weak because he can no longer stand to be alone, and others will pay the price. The only hope he has is if just one of the rituals work, if Justice is returned to the Fade, but is there even enough of Anders left to recover from that? What if he needs the spirit now, and losing Justice means losing the remainder of who he is? Becoming essentially Tranquil?
And what if those questions are coming from Justice and not Anders?
He can feel no desire to return from Justice anymore. There are so many reasons Anders has to lose courage, but somehow he still has Nate's arm and care and he can at least walk physically forward, one step at a time.
"I don't know what will happen the next time someone hits me," he says after a few steps, and his voice is hollow. "It keeps happening, and I don't know how to stop it, either."
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Date: 2016-04-10 10:55 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2016-04-10 11:06 pm (UTC)From:And as far as Anders goes, he doesn't need to dwell, but he can't figure out how to pull himself out of the mood that's claimed him. At this rate he might well drive Nate off. Which would be safer for the archer, but would drag Anders down all the more.
"I should insist you leave me be. I should pull back. Stop... Stop walking into Skyhold daily. Stop being near the campfire, near people. Someone will get hurt, otherwise. But I'm too weak to do what I should." He doesn't want to be lonely again.
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Date: 2016-04-10 11:09 pm (UTC)From:"Do I make him worse?"
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Date: 2016-04-10 11:18 pm (UTC)From:Justice does not like Nate, but he doesn't hate the man. That's reserved for others, though it's a long list.
"If anything, you make it better for me. You make me feel like there's still something left of me, still some good I can do." That he's not fully abomination yet. "But I..."
He trails off and loses his train of thought, feeling somewhat murky-headed all of a sudden. At a distance. He can feel his body still, the pain that will have to heal on its own, the impact of staff and feet on ground, the warmth of Nate against him, but he can't remember what he was saying.
"I'm sorry. I'm tired."
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Date: 2016-04-10 11:59 pm (UTC)From:"Do you need me to help you?" He doesn't intend to leave Anders completely alone, but he will stand outside the tent while he washes, if he can wash himself.
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Date: 2016-04-11 12:34 am (UTC)From:The question gets a shake of his head. He's going to be stiff, but he won't make Nate help him that much.
"Thank you," he says quietly, not wasting time and starting to get mud off his skin and out of his hair. It's everywhere, which isn't much of a surprise considering it's mud. Anders washes himself in silence, aware that Nate's nearby, aware that Justice is still close to the surface. At least there's no way he can be considered to be alone.
By the time he's done, the water's brown and he's feeling a little less sore, and a little less like an open wound. Anders doesn't bother tying his hair back up before bringing the water out and pouring it down their little ditch.
"I'd forgotten how heavy armor can be." It's a weak attempt at a joke.
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Date: 2016-04-11 12:39 am (UTC)From:"Did you at least get in a few admirable verbal jabs, then?" A polite way of asking if he provoked her.
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Date: 2016-04-11 01:33 am (UTC)From:"But accusing a typical Templar of being a typical Templar doesn't tend to have any effect. They know they enjoy trying to put mages in what they see as a mage's place. Pointing it out is useless."
Anders sighs and straightens up once the bucket is drained, shaking his head.
"I don't even... She's angry that people flirt back with me, apparently, that I'm trying to have a life instead of simply survive. Which, in her eyes, justifies walking up and hitting me in the middle of a crowd." The relief is melting away to be replaced with bitterness. "She's the third person that's hit me. And I can't guarantee the next one won't die, which will then end in my death because people who are supposed to be listening to the Inquisition take matters into their own damn hands."
There's anger, now, anger enough that his hands are shaking. "I will not die, I will not throw everything away, because they feel they can get away with anything, because they can since who would punish someone for hitting me? And yet that choice isn't even in my hands because I don't have the control I thought I did. They call me abomination with no grasp of what it means because they know those in authority despise me as I've been despised my whole life. Nothing changes. Nothing ever changes."
Justice is right there and he can't bring himself to care because what hope is there, really? Only the slim one that somehow whomever he winds up killing is someone he doesn't care about, and that's no consolation.
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Date: 2016-04-11 01:37 am (UTC)From:"We'll have to take it to their superiors," he says. "Who else has hit you?"
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Date: 2016-04-11 02:18 am (UTC)From:"Bruce Banner and the yelling man. I don't... I don't know that anything would even matter. Informing superiors. They call me abomination but they don't grasp it. They don't understand anything more than the hatred in the word. And if we, if I try to explain it, then I get more fear. More hate." Except Bruce gets it, and struck out anyway.
He exhales again and finally leans into Nate's hold. "I'm sorry. I want to stop being so worried. I want to breathe, to not be so much of a mess. It keeps not working. And then you pick up the pieces and I feel all the more guilty."
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Date: 2016-04-11 02:39 am (UTC)From:He releases Anders with a faint huff.
"People who attack you ought to be pursued to every extent of the law for endangerment. But if I say that, they will retort that so should we for harboring you. We ought to consult with Kaidan and Teren. We cannot keep letting these incidents slide. If nothing else, a member of the Wardens has been repeatedly assaulted. That is intolerable."
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Date: 2016-04-11 02:59 am (UTC)From:"In the morning," he says tiredly. "In the morning we can speak with them. I don't want to disrupt anything else."
That he's been a part of ruining Twisted Fate's party is weight enough on his shoulders. Waking the two senior Wardens is too much.
"It's not like someone's going to come into our tent to hit me." Probably. Maker. He almost wishes someone would try for him in front of one of the people who care, but at the same time he doesn't want this to be on anyone else.
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Date: 2016-04-11 03:11 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2016-04-11 03:25 am (UTC)From:"If..." Except no. No. The man's in enough danger simply sleeping so close to him every night. Anders can't ask to share Nate's cot. If he has a nightmare, or gets tangled in the blankets and forgets where he is, if one of a thousand things happen, he could hurt his closest friend. Not only that, he doesn't need to get Nate's name moved from Justice's 'dislike' list to the 'hated' list.
"Be careful. That's all. And thank you." He should tell Nate to run, to get out of there, to find safer friends, but he can't. Anders pulls the blankets back on his cot, disturbing Purrelden's rest underneath them, and scoops her up gently before climbing in and ignoring her disgruntlement and tiny claws.