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[Nathaniel pulls a blanket over them both.]

I can do this. I'm not going anywhere.

[He tucks Anders' head beneath his chin and buries a hand in his hair.]

[Anders lets out another shakey sigh. He settles against Nathaniel, just cuddling him for now. He feels safe here. He hasn't felt that safe since he and Karl were kids together. It still hurts, aches deep in his chest, but having Nathaniel there somehow makes things a little better.]

Will you talk to me? Or read?

Of course. [Nathaniel picks up his book and reopens it to the last page he was on. He doesn't understand Anders' thing about his voice, but he's very much aware of it. So he plunges into Gulliver's Travels with his free arm tightly around Anders, reading about Lilliputians and their patchwork clothing for the protagonist.]

[It's a very soothing voice. More than that, though, is that hearing another person is a reminder that he really isn't alone. He settles in and listens. He isn't really paying much attention to the story so much as the fact that Nathaniel was there with him, willing to hold him and do what he needed. After a long while of just leaning against him the rouge and enjoying it. Then, after a moment, when Nate pauses]

Where do you keep getting these books?

Public library. [Nathaniel fingers his way to the next page.] You'd like this one. It's a satire about society.

Hmm. You do know how to speak to my heart, Nathaniel Howe. [He teases lightly, because teasing is better than dwelling and cuddling has already calmed him enough to feel comfortable to do that.]

It's a language worth learning. [Nathaniel kisses the top of his head.] Do you want me to keep reading?

[Anders nods after a moment.] For as long as you want.

Well. Take off your shoes and get comfortable. I'll read till I have to sleep.

[Slowly, he pulls himself off of Nathaniel. He takes off his shoes and some of his clothes, getting to a layer he's comfortable sleeping in. Then he's back lying against Nathaniel.]

[Nathaniel fits Anders against himself and starts reading again. The reading continues until his vision is blurring and he has to put down the book. He wraps his arms around Anders tightly.]

You're... [he's not as good at this as some people, not even as good as Tabris, but it needs to be said.] You're dear to me, Anders. I'm always here for you.

Mmm. I care about you too. [He's quiet for a moment and then adds,] Sometimes I think I'm unworthy of you.

[A soft huff.]

I wouldn't have gone down a very different path, if it weren't for Tabris. The only difference is that I had a chance you didn't.

I don't know many people who would agree with that.

They don't matter.

[For all that he fusses about reputation and gossip with Tabris, it somehow makes little difference with Anders. Maybe because the exchange is very different. If he slept with Tabris, the only benefit would be sleeping with her. But Anders is a whole person, and reputation seems like a small price to pay for one person. Maybe Nathaniel has been lying to himself all this time anyway, thinking he could salvage something from the ashes of his family's honor. He would rather know his own honor for what it is, and he couldn't live with himself if he rejected Anders.]

You matter, to me. You deserve love and respect.

[Anders hums a bit at that and then moves his head to nuzzle Nathaniel's neck.]

You too. [He mutters softly]

[It's hard to spout denials after what he just said. And maybe Anders is right, though Nathaniel flinches at it. If people should be loved and respected, he can't exclude himself.

He kisses close to Anders' ear and wonders if they're in a relationship after all. But no, Anders is mad about Hawke. Nathaniel's feelings only make half of the picture.]

I'm glad we found each other again. And I...don't want you to disappear again when this is done. I want you to stay.

Stay with you? That would be dangerous wouldn't it? Once our contracts are over, they'll send us back home. You don't want to be the Warden traveling with me...

You could come back to the Wardens. [Nathaniel takes a deep breath.] Even if you don't fight with us again, if you just stayed, you'd be protected. You don't have to be alone.

Edited Date: 2015-05-04 12:52 pm (UTC)

[He sighs a bit.]

I don't know if that's the case.

Don't you? There's a man who has done worse things than you have, who has been with the Wardens ten years.

[Loghain.]

Worse, perhaps. But that was before the Joining. I'm after it.

[A soft snort.]

I might be the last person who should be saying this, but darkspawn blood doesn't wash away sin. Nobody has forgotten what Loghain did to the Wardens. And if anything is going to make you look not so bad, it'll be standing next to him. Anyway there are those who remember you from before. They'll remember what Tabris and I do.

[He kisses Anders gently on the brow.]

Think about it. You don't have to make up your mind any time soon. It might not be a perfectly happy life, but you'd have a roof and a bed and food in your belly. I'd think that would be better than being alone, hungry, and on the run.

[Anders sighs softly, feeling comforted by the kisses and the fact that he's still being held.]

You'll be there?

Of course I'll be there.

[His tone is gentle and confident. He's not leaving the Wardens. That's his chosen path now, and he loves the life it has given him.]