The more Anders rants, the more things are brought into perspective. Nathaniel grew up thinking communication among family was redundant, that good family always knew without asking, and now Anders is his family. The longer it goes, the more his head bows, his brow furrows, he sinks back onto the bed. When Anders is quiet, he turns to pull him into his arms and kiss his face. They should have communicated more.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But Maker, Anders, what you have already accomplished. Your footsteps shook the earth when I first met you. You saved the world from the Mother, you freed the mages, you saved so many countless lives in the most forsaken place I can think of, you delivered their children and had no thought of gain. It almost seems greedy of you to ask to be more. I thought it was Justice driving you, but it was always you. And I married that, so I love it. All right? You're the whole world to me."
He tears up, curling against Nate. His whole world. Could he find enough strength from that, knowing that to one person he's not the villain? He owes it to Nate to try, at the very least.
"I've helped," he says quietly. "But I've also destroyed. And that, that's my legacy. That's what everyone sees when they look at me. I know it's greedy to ask, to want people to see all of what I've done rather than one thing alone, but I've never been more than a thing. Except to you." Because whole world isn't a thing, it's a feeling and more.
"The Anders boy, that apostate, the Warden who escaped for now, that abomination, the one who destroyed the chantry, that and this to the point that I don't even know my name. Anders isn't mine, I don't, I don't have an identity that is mine except for being your husband. I treasure being your husband. I value it, and you, so much. But other people look at me and they see... I'm so tired of being hated and feared. I wanted to help and instead I hurt. No title changes that, nothing will."
If only he could ask Cole to make almost everyone forget him. He takes a shaky breath, turning his face to kiss Nate's jaw gently.
"I want a cure, I want a life after the Wardens with you, in four years. I want to be a nameless healer with a cottage on the coast, and a child, or two, a house cat, barn cats, and you. But I've never had happiness last, and I can't find it in myself to believe it will happen. So I've, we've this time, in this city, and everything is that much more difficult because I know I'm going to fail in the city I've failed repeatedly in before."
"Don't say that," Nathaniel sighs against Anders' jaw. "You're not the only one looking for a cure. And there are so many people who love you, Anders, so many people at our wedding who could not have cared less about me. So many people who came to save you when you were captured."
He kisses that jaw. "And if we can't have a life after the Wardens, I will still take this one with you. I love you so much. You don't have to prove you're a person. You are one. Just be one."
He spends so much time in his own head and in his own fears that sometimes he can't figure out how to just be. Or to just hope. He exhales and turns a little to kiss Nate's lips gently.
"And I love you so much. You mean so much to me, and I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm scared all the time, I'm sorry I don't always make sense. And I'm sorry I struggle at just being and hoping. I don't mean to make things messy." He tries to figure them out and gets wrapped up in his own thoughts and then does cause a mess, and he hates himself for it.
Nathaniel returns a few kisses on his mouth and then pulls him close and lets things settle for a moment, the air still and close around them.
"You want children?" he says after a moment, though it's impossible for them. Nathaniel never even considered it, and hasn't for some time, except for some moments with his nephew.
He closes his eyes and rests against Nate, shifting to look up at his husband's face at the question.
"I've... Yes. I've wanted to have a family for much of my life. Build one of my own, since I lost mine." Lost, had it taken away, same difference. "Then I became a Warden and thought that was done, especially when I lost Karl. But if we find a cure... There are so many orphans, Nate. They don't have anyone, and we've love. It's something that's years off, and if you don't want children I understand. It's not a need." He doesn't know how he can talk about this while not really having faith in finding a cure. It makes no sense, it's a contradiction, but so much of his life is contradictions.
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"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But Maker, Anders, what you have already accomplished. Your footsteps shook the earth when I first met you. You saved the world from the Mother, you freed the mages, you saved so many countless lives in the most forsaken place I can think of, you delivered their children and had no thought of gain. It almost seems greedy of you to ask to be more. I thought it was Justice driving you, but it was always you. And I married that, so I love it. All right? You're the whole world to me."
no subject
"I've helped," he says quietly. "But I've also destroyed. And that, that's my legacy. That's what everyone sees when they look at me. I know it's greedy to ask, to want people to see all of what I've done rather than one thing alone, but I've never been more than a thing. Except to you." Because whole world isn't a thing, it's a feeling and more.
"The Anders boy, that apostate, the Warden who escaped for now, that abomination, the one who destroyed the chantry, that and this to the point that I don't even know my name. Anders isn't mine, I don't, I don't have an identity that is mine except for being your husband. I treasure being your husband. I value it, and you, so much. But other people look at me and they see... I'm so tired of being hated and feared. I wanted to help and instead I hurt. No title changes that, nothing will."
If only he could ask Cole to make almost everyone forget him. He takes a shaky breath, turning his face to kiss Nate's jaw gently.
"I want a cure, I want a life after the Wardens with you, in four years. I want to be a nameless healer with a cottage on the coast, and a child, or two, a house cat, barn cats, and you. But I've never had happiness last, and I can't find it in myself to believe it will happen. So I've, we've this time, in this city, and everything is that much more difficult because I know I'm going to fail in the city I've failed repeatedly in before."
no subject
He kisses that jaw. "And if we can't have a life after the Wardens, I will still take this one with you. I love you so much. You don't have to prove you're a person. You are one. Just be one."
no subject
"And I love you so much. You mean so much to me, and I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm scared all the time, I'm sorry I don't always make sense. And I'm sorry I struggle at just being and hoping. I don't mean to make things messy." He tries to figure them out and gets wrapped up in his own thoughts and then does cause a mess, and he hates himself for it.
no subject
"You want children?" he says after a moment, though it's impossible for them. Nathaniel never even considered it, and hasn't for some time, except for some moments with his nephew.
no subject
"I've... Yes. I've wanted to have a family for much of my life. Build one of my own, since I lost mine." Lost, had it taken away, same difference. "Then I became a Warden and thought that was done, especially when I lost Karl. But if we find a cure... There are so many orphans, Nate. They don't have anyone, and we've love. It's something that's years off, and if you don't want children I understand. It's not a need." He doesn't know how he can talk about this while not really having faith in finding a cure. It makes no sense, it's a contradiction, but so much of his life is contradictions.