He spends so much time in his own head and in his own fears that sometimes he can't figure out how to just be. Or to just hope. He exhales and turns a little to kiss Nate's lips gently.
"And I love you so much. You mean so much to me, and I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm scared all the time, I'm sorry I don't always make sense. And I'm sorry I struggle at just being and hoping. I don't mean to make things messy." He tries to figure them out and gets wrapped up in his own thoughts and then does cause a mess, and he hates himself for it.
Nathaniel returns a few kisses on his mouth and then pulls him close and lets things settle for a moment, the air still and close around them.
"You want children?" he says after a moment, though it's impossible for them. Nathaniel never even considered it, and hasn't for some time, except for some moments with his nephew.
He closes his eyes and rests against Nate, shifting to look up at his husband's face at the question.
"I've... Yes. I've wanted to have a family for much of my life. Build one of my own, since I lost mine." Lost, had it taken away, same difference. "Then I became a Warden and thought that was done, especially when I lost Karl. But if we find a cure... There are so many orphans, Nate. They don't have anyone, and we've love. It's something that's years off, and if you don't want children I understand. It's not a need." He doesn't know how he can talk about this while not really having faith in finding a cure. It makes no sense, it's a contradiction, but so much of his life is contradictions.
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chiming
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Date: 2017-04-21 01:50 am (UTC)From:"And I love you so much. You mean so much to me, and I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm scared all the time, I'm sorry I don't always make sense. And I'm sorry I struggle at just being and hoping. I don't mean to make things messy." He tries to figure them out and gets wrapped up in his own thoughts and then does cause a mess, and he hates himself for it.
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Date: 2017-04-21 02:05 am (UTC)From:"You want children?" he says after a moment, though it's impossible for them. Nathaniel never even considered it, and hasn't for some time, except for some moments with his nephew.
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Date: 2017-04-21 02:31 am (UTC)From:"I've... Yes. I've wanted to have a family for much of my life. Build one of my own, since I lost mine." Lost, had it taken away, same difference. "Then I became a Warden and thought that was done, especially when I lost Karl. But if we find a cure... There are so many orphans, Nate. They don't have anyone, and we've love. It's something that's years off, and if you don't want children I understand. It's not a need." He doesn't know how he can talk about this while not really having faith in finding a cure. It makes no sense, it's a contradiction, but so much of his life is contradictions.