pinprick | Fade Rift: Inbox

You know what to do.

[He's quiet when he comes back from talking with Teren, still feeling numb. Purrelden is in his arms, but Anders isn't really paying much attention to her, mutely patting her when she pushes against his hand. Instead, what shards of focus he has are spent sitting down next to Nate and leaning against him.

He's supposed to go first. He's the one that's fucked up everywhere. This isn't right; this isn't fair.]

[It's easy to tell when something has upset Anders. Nathaniel turns, wraps his arms around him and presses his cheek to his hair.]

Talk to me, my dear.

[He doesn't know how to say it or where to start. Even the details he has are sparse - when does Nate die? How long until he hears the Calling begin? There'd been too much pain for him to stand there and think enough to ask questions.]

I'm going to fail you, [is what finally comes out.]

[Ah, one of these moods. Nathaniel kisses the top of his head.]

Never, my darling boy. Not ever.

[Maker, he wishes that were true. The kiss is so trusting and loving, and Anders wonders how many of those they actually have left. He swallows, blinking tears back, and presses the side of his face to Nate's chest.]

But I do. Teren...

[He takes a shaky breath.]

You hear your Calling first. And I didn't, I tried to keep you instead of going with you. I, she said you had to ask Alistair [his voice breaks on the name] to end...

[Another breath, and he's crying now. He makes Nate suffer in the future because why? He's weak? Selfish? Both and more?]

You care about honor, and I take even that from you.

[The whole world stops. For a moment, Nathaniel can't even feel Anders in his arms. Everything shrinks down to his own body, and the ticking clock attached.

Five years...no, less than five years into the future, he will hear his Calling.

At one time, he had been unafraid of that. He had accepted it, known it as something he could do nothing about, a Warden's duty like any other. Now, he has something to lose. Now, he will beg, borrow, and steal every minute he gets with Anders. And he can't. There is nothing he can do. Oh, there have been rumors about a cure, the legend of Fiona, who was cured and could never be tainted again. But can such a thing be discovered in less than five years, when Wardens have endured the Calling for centuries?

Nathaniel's arms tighten, and he can feel Anders again. Everything is made simpler with Anders, though he still feels cold. He takes Anders down to their bed and holds him tightly, trying to regain a sense of his life. Happiness. He had been so very happy for such a short time.]

We have two illnesses, [he says hoarsely, quoting a Warden he had known.] One is the taint, and the other is knowing we have the taint. But Anders...Anders, my dearest, my husband, you haven't done anything of the sort. Don't punish yourself for what hasn't happened. You already punish yourself for what has.

[He fists his hands in Nate's clothing, holding tight as they move. Guilt and grief war in his chest; Nate's going to forgive him, he knows it, and he doesn't think he deserves it. The honorable end for a Warden is going down to the Deep Roads.

Nate's phrasing lights a spark in the darkness of his thoughts, though. Illness. It's an illness. And he's a healer. Sure, he's done some research into curing the taint, but it's been more poking at it than actual digging. What if he can fight this?]

I'm a spirit healer.

[His voice is choked, and the sound of it likely confirms any damp spots Nate's feeling on his chest.]

I'm a spirit healer, one of the best the Wardens have likely ever had. If it can be, if a cure can be found...

[In a way, it's a relief to have a straightforward cause again. Not much of one, due to the context, but he needs even the little bit.]

I'll chase down every chance and rumor. I can't...

[Lose Nate, or deny him an honorable end. He doesn't want to think he could do either, even though now he knows better.]

[Nathaniel hesitates, then leans down to kiss him gently.]

I...I don't know, Anders. I don't want to spend what might be our only years together waiting up for you while you chase something you may never find. And I don't want you to blame yourself if...

[But something shifts a little, and he realizes both of these things may depend on Nathaniel sitting back like a damsel while Anders tries to save him. He gives a faint smile, looking at Anders' beautiful face, amber eyes red with grief for someone he has not yet lost. Nathaniel doesn't want to die. He doesn't want to lose himself long before his end. And if there's any chance that he can buy back the rest of his life that was taken from him at his conscription, he will take it, Grey Warden honor be damned. He came to love this life, but he never chose it, and his service will soon end regardless.]

Well. I will go where you go, and we'll find every moment of happiness we can take. It will be an adventure for us.

[He meets Nate's eyes, tense as Nate first starts talking. Doing nothing is something he's never been capable of, especially when there's a minuscule chance of making a difference. Then Nate relents, and Anders can feel the first speck of hope for the first time since Teren had spoken.

The kiss gets returned a little rushed and frantically; Purrelden leaps out of the way with a noise of discontent at the sudden jostling.]

I won't stay out late for it. I won't lose what time we have left, won't waste it. But I'll use what we have. The future isn't set yet. Maybe it can be changed. I'd give the world to save you.

[Nathaniel chases that kiss, feeling that desperation, that need to be as close as possible right now.]

We will use what we have, [he says as he rolls on top of Anders and lifts the skirts of his robes.] If I have the chance to grow old with you, I will give everything for it.

[He finds the tin of salve and opens it. He needs Anders right now, as one with him as he can be.]

[Grow old with him. It wasn't something he'd expected, but now that he might be so close to losing Nate it's become the target.]

I don't ever want to lose you.

[As he spreads his legs, he knows exactly how he could try to keep Nate for too long. Letting go of him would be an impossibility. He'll cure Nate. Or if all else fails, he'll go with the man. He can't allow him to suffer so much he has to ask for death. He won't.

Anders reaches up to thread his fingers through Nate's hair and urge his head down so he can have another kiss. With his other hand he reaches down to undo the ties on Nate's breeches. If the moment were less serious he'd joke about both wearing skirts but he can't. Not right now. Once open he's palming Nate's cock and urging it to full hardness.]

[Nathaniel kisses voraciously, tongue gliding along the roof of Anders' mouth as his fingers scoop up salve. The warm touch on his cock has him hardening quickly, but it's even quicker when he coaxes Anders' fingers apart and slicks them with salve. Then he smears what's left against Anders' entrance, prodding inside a bit roughly in his haste and desperation. Then he is pushing inside him, feeling the heat as every inch is buried. This isn't tender lovemaking. This is needy fucking.

His arms bracket Anders' shoulders, holding him as close as he can be as he begins to thrust brutally, just careful enough not to actually hurt him.]

[He braces himself with one hand, preparing for what's already promising to be the hardest fuck of his life from the urgency of Nate's fingers to how quickly he's taken. There are tears in his eyes again as he rocks up to meet the harsh thrusts - not from pain, but from fear and need and grief and a tiny ray of hope.]

I'll find a cure, [he says, breathless and strained.] We'll grow old together, and fuck anything that stands in our way.

[He'd failed Karl. Now he'll make certain he doesn't fail Nate, no matter what it takes.]

Yes, [Nathaniel gasps against his mouth, one hand moving to brace them both against the wall while the other grips Anders's shoulder hard enough to bruise.] Yes. We will find a cure if there is one to be found. And if anyone can do it, it's you. Maybe we've come through this, all of it, so that you can make this discovery. Maybe this was our purpose. We will outlive this.

[And he can't speak anymore. He doesn't have the breath for it. The bed screeches and strains beneath them.]

[The pain from Nate's grip anchors him and drives him. Nate is stunning, grey eyes determined and mirroring the passion that's driving Nate into him repeatedly and forcefully. Inside their little tent the temperature is getting to be stifling and Anders has no complaints.]

We will.

[It's repeated a couple of times before everything around him is enough and then too much, bringing him over the edge as relentlessly as Nate's cock pounds into him.]

Together, [he finally pants, shifting his hands to Nate's back so he can cling for dear life for the rest of the ride. He has given himself to this many fully, heart, body, soul, and mind, and he intends to keep it that way.]

[Maker, he loves it when he can bring Anders to climax without even touching his cock. It takes Nathaniel a moment longer after Anders has come down, before he is releasing hard into his body. As he gasps for breath, he nuzzles behind Anders' ear, till the moment is passed and he is spent utterly. Panting, he pulls out and reaches for a towel to clean them both off.]

Together, [he answers at last, collapsing by Anders' side.] In all things together, as in our vows.

[Anders helps clean them, maybe taking a little longer than needed with rubbing the fabric over Nate's cock, but once they're clean he's all too happy to lay with Nate and close his eyes. Between all of the emotions he's feeling and the sudden physical exertion, he's tired. Not too tired to roll onto his side and put an arm around Nate as he burrows close, though.]

Often after I'm done healing I go to the library and do some research on whatever's come up during the day. I'll start bringing the books here and working here when I need to do that.

[He'll find every bit of time he can with Nate. It's all he can give, and all he wants.]

I am yours.

That will be nice. [Reading, with Anders.] We can read together. Probably nothing I'll understand, but I like reading with you.

[He's not dying. Not yet. So much has gone wrong, but there is a glimmer of faith. Maybe the Maker has a plan for them after all. Maybe this crisis, along with all the things they have lived through, will provide the world with a cure. If not the world, then the Wardens.]

I could try to explain some of the concepts.

[It would be hard to put into words things Anders normally feels by magic, and condense down years and years of herblore learning, but he'd try if Nate wants. He'd be glad to share.]

Or not, it's up to you. I'd like to lean against you while I read. It'll be warmer.

[Focusing on the 'now' is something he's struggled with. There's only so many nows left, though, and he needs to embrace every single one.]

Like right now is warm.

[Nathaniel releases a breath.]

Right now is warm. Please. Let everything be right now, while it can be. In case I...can't hold up long enough.

[He knows his body is not dying around him yet. He knows it will still be some time. But knowing is its own disease.]

[He takes a shaky breath before nodding. With his foot he hooks one of the blankets and brings it up around them before shimmying out of his robes and then cuddling up against Nate again.]

I'll do my best.

[He's offered everything to Nate. How can he turn down this? Especially when he wants every moment he can have. Gently he kisses Nate's pec.]

I have you here right now. And you've me. And by the sounds of it, a widdle puppy that would like to be picked up and let onto the bed on your side.

[Purrelden hadn't hesitated when the blankets came up, making her way to Anders' pillow and hogging most of it as if it was all hers.]

[Right on time, there is a pitiable whimper from the ground. Nathaniel chuckles and pats the bed, inviting Lady up. The dog leaps up with remarkable agility--an advantage of her being so small--and walks up the bed to lick Anders' face. Mabari do understand what people say, and she knows Anders is the more shaken between the two of them. She turns to lick Nathaniel's hand after, as he pats her.]

She's a good widdle puppy, [he says contentedly, and Lady wags her tail so hard her entire butt sways with it. She then walks down to Nathaniel's feet and settles down on them.]

She licked my face, [Anders says in protest.] I got you a little one because they're not supposed to reach that.

[But he's not serious. She hadn't slobbered, and she hadn't licked Nate's face which means Anders can kiss all over it without any concerns. Instead he can focus on trying to relax and stay in the moment as he's surrounded by beings that care about him. Even with a tail that keeps landing on his ear, possibly deliberately.]

I...

[Anders stops himself and forces it back. In the now. No thoughts about how he should have been the one to fall to the calling first, and no probing with creation magic to see if he can sense anything different in Nate. He closes his eyes.]

She's a good dog. And you are an amazing husband.

[A soft sigh, and Nathaniel kisses him gently but firmly. Five years feels like a long time when Anders is this close, and the seconds are no faster than they were before.]

Your husband isn't as amazing as mine. Mine is turning heaven and earth to save me. And I will be at his side no matter what comes.

[Tears burn his eyes again at Nate's words before Anders takes a slow breath to fight them back. The now is good, and he's all right.]

You'd do the same for me. You stood for me with Hercules and the advisors, protecting me from the start. Even before I'd shown you how good I was at kissing. And bribed you with a puppy.

[There. He's already managing to sound a little better, at least.]