"Pranks? Fun pranks, or revenge pranks?" Between the crackling of the fire and the sound of rain and thunder and the warmth of the blankets and of each other, Nathaniel is feeling a fuzzy contentment, a sleepiness that doesn't compel sleep so much as stasis. He could spend hours like this. At the rate the rain is going, he probably will. He tucks Anders' head beneath his chin and cuddles closer.
Anders leans against Nate, enjoying being held. They're both damp, but this is nice and it puts off the question a few more seconds. But only a few more seconds.
"Both. But mostly the latter. Stupid, I know, to do things against Templars and invite more wrath and do more things and invite even more wrath." He takes a breath. Going deeper, not sticking to surface answers, will always be difficult. But he knows what was truly going on.
"It was all I could do to mentally survive. They would hurt me, and I could strike back in petty ways and say I wasn't broken to everyone around. That was what was important to me, showing them I wasn't broken. No matter what came of freezing the Chantry floor, or summoning spiders to fill Templar boots, I was still doing it."
"You acted out because you were desperate. That's not stupid." Nathaniel remembers Thomas doing that, though it didn't take the form of pranks. Poor Thomas. "You did what you had to do. That's practically peaceful protest, especially when compared with what they were doing to you."
"Everyone kept telling me that I was making things harder on myself. That if I would stop there wouldn't be so much pain or punishment. And most mages believe that, believed it. That the ones who got the most Templar attention deserved it. It makes them feel... I don't know. Safer. Superior. Like they weren't at risk of abuse if they believed it wasn't random."
It was a false security, but when you didn't have any real security people became desperate for it.
"I think that's how Loyalists can exist. They had it easier, and they believed it was because of... them, when really it was luck, randomness, not catching the eye of someone intent on finding a new target."
Anders sighs, curling up against Nate further. "And it's why they're the hardest of all to convince that Circles are bad. They're safer if it was my fault I was consistently gone after, no matter that I stopped and tried to avoid drawing attention for a time. They're safer if it was the fault of all the mages who died or disappeared." He hates them a little, for all he wishes he didn't.
"Maybe they also did what they had to do to survive. And maybe they weren't all lucky. Maybe they were just willing to blame themselves instead of the Templars. If I hadn't spoken so loudly, I would never have caught his attention, sort of thing. They think of the whole thing as a game, and that bad players deserve to lose."
That's how Nathaniel's house was, growing up. Most of it, he never really saw for what it was until he was over thirty years old and finally able to speak honestly with his sister about it all.
"You've... You've likely the right of it. Sometimes it's hard to remember that they're victims too. That they're not dragging down the cause to get us hurt, they're doing what they do out of fear. Which is what I've been driven by in the past."
And still, sometimes. It rises up and makes him feel like he's going to choke, but it doesn't do it so often anymore.
"We need unity and hope, and it's not easy. We're divided by the factions the Chantry created even now as well as the fear. Overcoming all of that... We'll find a way, we have to." Because otherwise the Circles return, and he won't let children fear that again. But it's not all without hope.
Nathaniel leans in to kiss him at that, another warmth shared.
"It'll take time. But look at what's already happened, love. The worst of the Circles is now an office. No more. The mages are free and have been for what? Three years, now? I think that's a hopeful sign."
He returns the kiss happily, slipping his arms around Nate.
"As is the fact I can skip work. That I have you, as my husband, and they can't take me away. No matter how angry they get, there are now mages who know what it's like to be free, who aren't willing to go back. There are more people who know mages as people, who have reason to keep us free. We have better odds than ever before." His excitement is building, hope bubbling up here in this little sanctuary from the rain.
"We were married by a priest. Without having to pay her, or threaten her, we were married and had a normal wedding and people came to it and celebrated with us and had a wonderful time. And I love you even more today than I did then, and less than I will tomorrow. You are my miracle, Anders. You got me to skip a day of work to spend cuddling with you. I needed you."
"I needed you too." He shifts until he finds a comfortable position, head on Nate's shoulder, curled against Nate's front and tucking the blanket around the both of them.
"I'd stopped hoping. I went to Skyhold to do a little more and then die, because I thought that was all left to me. I was prepared. And then you pulled me back from the brink, love. You've given me hope and love and life, and I'm..." He shakes his head. "I am the luckiest person in Thedas to have you. I love you, with all that I am."
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chiming
no subject
Date: 2017-05-09 11:51 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2017-05-10 04:22 am (UTC)From:"Both. But mostly the latter. Stupid, I know, to do things against Templars and invite more wrath and do more things and invite even more wrath." He takes a breath. Going deeper, not sticking to surface answers, will always be difficult. But he knows what was truly going on.
"It was all I could do to mentally survive. They would hurt me, and I could strike back in petty ways and say I wasn't broken to everyone around. That was what was important to me, showing them I wasn't broken. No matter what came of freezing the Chantry floor, or summoning spiders to fill Templar boots, I was still doing it."
no subject
Date: 2017-05-10 07:03 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2017-05-10 08:15 pm (UTC)From:It was a false security, but when you didn't have any real security people became desperate for it.
"I think that's how Loyalists can exist. They had it easier, and they believed it was because of... them, when really it was luck, randomness, not catching the eye of someone intent on finding a new target."
Anders sighs, curling up against Nate further. "And it's why they're the hardest of all to convince that Circles are bad. They're safer if it was my fault I was consistently gone after, no matter that I stopped and tried to avoid drawing attention for a time. They're safer if it was the fault of all the mages who died or disappeared." He hates them a little, for all he wishes he didn't.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-10 08:20 pm (UTC)From:That's how Nathaniel's house was, growing up. Most of it, he never really saw for what it was until he was over thirty years old and finally able to speak honestly with his sister about it all.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-10 09:01 pm (UTC)From:"You've... You've likely the right of it. Sometimes it's hard to remember that they're victims too. That they're not dragging down the cause to get us hurt, they're doing what they do out of fear. Which is what I've been driven by in the past."
And still, sometimes. It rises up and makes him feel like he's going to choke, but it doesn't do it so often anymore.
"We need unity and hope, and it's not easy. We're divided by the factions the Chantry created even now as well as the fear. Overcoming all of that... We'll find a way, we have to." Because otherwise the Circles return, and he won't let children fear that again. But it's not all without hope.
"I found you, after all."
no subject
Date: 2017-05-10 11:00 pm (UTC)From:"It'll take time. But look at what's already happened, love. The worst of the Circles is now an office. No more. The mages are free and have been for what? Three years, now? I think that's a hopeful sign."
no subject
Date: 2017-05-10 11:40 pm (UTC)From:"As is the fact I can skip work. That I have you, as my husband, and they can't take me away. No matter how angry they get, there are now mages who know what it's like to be free, who aren't willing to go back. There are more people who know mages as people, who have reason to keep us free. We have better odds than ever before." His excitement is building, hope bubbling up here in this little sanctuary from the rain.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-11 02:18 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2017-05-11 02:46 am (UTC)From:"I'd stopped hoping. I went to Skyhold to do a little more and then die, because I thought that was all left to me. I was prepared. And then you pulled me back from the brink, love. You've given me hope and love and life, and I'm..." He shakes his head. "I am the luckiest person in Thedas to have you. I love you, with all that I am."