pinprick | Fade Rift: Inbox

You know what to do.

[The important thing is that Justice heard. A deterrent, to keep him from interrupting during their sessions. Anders' control isn't nearly as important there as Justice's control, as much as Anders wants to blame himself.

Nathaniel passes him the pork with a bit of a sigh.]

To tell you the truth, the things I...fantasize, with you...the ones I spend the most time thinking on aren't sexual at all. And the ones that are, they're less spicy and more...sweet.

[He's quiet as he fixes his sandwich, looking down.]

If we're speaking of vulnerable...

[Nate gets a faint, somewhat scared smile when Anders has his meal completed.]

I'm good at sex. It's safe. Most of my fantasies are about that, including the more spicy sort of thing, because that's... easy. I'm attractive, and someone who is fucking me isn't thinking about imprisoning me, or how they hate me, or mages, any of that. I've not really... A date is about as far as I've hoped, or dreamed. I knew you wouldn't say no to it, but it still seems so big even when we're here. Or I was mostly certain you wouldn't say no to it. I knew you, I knew you loved me when you had me on your lap. A date wouldn't be a large thing to ask of someone who loves you, I figured.

[Ah. Nate thinks himself so mysterious and unreadable and he's actually pretty obvious. Well.]

Anders. I was squire to a chevalier. I assure you, I know more than my share about courtly love, if you're worried you'll miss out.

I'm not afraid of missing out.

[Sometimes he wishes he were a little better at explaining himself.]

I'm afraid of disappointing you. I'm...

[Half-broken, plagued with doubts and guilt, drenched in the blood of innocents.]

I'm afraid you're going to wake up and realize you've got the raw end of this deal, that you're going to want something you deserve and I've no idea how to give. I don't, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm fumbling and I want you, Maker, I want you so much, and everything I've ever wanted and had I've destroyed, Nate.

[Nathaniel puts aside his sandwich. He takes hold of Anders to encourage him to lie down, wrapping his arms around him from behind and holding him tight. He won't interrupt. He will let him speak all his worries. But he won't do it while staring at him from across a blanket, leaving him to wonder whether he is still loved.]

[He lies down, confusion making him a little stiff in his movements. What Nate's doing sinks in after a few moments and Anders exhales shakily.]

I've hurt so many and broken so much. I don't know how to stop. And I can only heal physical things. If I hurt you, when I hurt you...

[Anders trails off and puts down his own food so he can hold tight to Nate's arms.]

I love you and I don't want to let you down but I don't know if I can stop that from happening.

This?

[Nathaniel squeezes him.]

Right here. This is my fantasy. Being able to hold you, whether you're happy or in pain, and if you're in pain, being able to comfort you. This is all I want from you, and you know how to do it. But I don't. I don't know how to comfort you. Comfort has never been very important, in my life. But I yearn to comfort you. I yearn to make you happy, and to give you all those things you should have had.

But when I hurt--even if you're the one who hurts me--I will still want you right here, and that will comfort me. You're not cursed, Anders. You don't break everything you touch. You've just been living in the storm so long that you think a blue sky is a lie, instead of the end of the storm.

[He closes his eyes and leans back into the warmth of Nate, taking a slow breath. There's so many things he could say, protests about how he didn't even have it as bad as so many others, that he does break everything, but what would it do? And is it even him who judges himself so harshly? Nate sees more in Anders than Anders can. That doesn't have to mean he's wrong.]

The fact that you're here, that you're not already gone, that you stood with me, for me, when we spoke with Herc, they're all comforts. I don't want you to put it on yourself to ease all of my pain. I don't think that's fair to you, and I don't think that's possible.

Be... Be with me, stay with me even when I do what I do. That's more than, than anyone's done.

I will. Always.

[He kisses him behind his ear and gives him a squeeze, lingering there for a moment before releasing him and sitting back up. They do need to eat. But before he goes back to his meal, he leans in to kiss him.]

[He tilts his head to kiss back before sitting up as well, taking a breath. It's terrifying to be vulnerable and open, but he trusts Nate as he does no other.]

And I'll be with you, love.

[For so long he's dreamed of being loved. His imagination hadn't compared to the reality. He takes his sandwich back up to start eating, but only after he's scooted in so he can lean against Nate as he does.]

I've been with so many people, but you're the first to care like this. It's a lot to take in sometimes.

I've never felt like this about anyone. Or...been with anyone I was going to see again. I'm always afraid I'm doing something terribly wrong.

[He snuggles against Anders, wrapping an arm around his waist and eating his sandwich one-handed.]

You are. You're eating your sandwich with only one hand and all the filling is going to fall out. But if you let go of me then I'm going to be disappointed. You've put yourself in quite the dilemma, that's what you're doing wrong.

[His voice is warm, just as warm as he feels burrowed up against Nate. This picnic might have been one of the best ideas of his life.]

I have faith that you'll find a way to deal with this one, however.

[Nathaniel chuckles; a genuinely joyful sound, coming from him.]

If the filling falls out, I can pick it back up. [He touches his cheek to Anders' hair and rocks a bit before going back to take another bite.]

That's what you think.

[Nate's laugh feels like a balm. He's making the man who loves him happy.]

But if your filling falls out...

[He snickers.]

Then again, instead of racing to grab it, I could offer a different sort.

Not for my sandwich, you can't.

[But there's another chuckle anyway. Maker, but this day is wonderful.]

True. I don't like teeth there.

[He'd forgotten how it feels to be happy for a long stretch there. Even now it's still not complete, with Justice lurking, strongly disapproving. Anders' focus is not on Justice right now, or justice either. It's on Nate.]

So it'll be a race to grab your meat, then.

[And on double meanings.]

This is starting to feel like moves. Are you randy now, or do you want to finish eating?

Edited Date: 2016-05-23 11:59 pm (UTC)

I want everything.

[There's a smile in his voice.]

I'm somehow feeling like I can have some of what I want, so I'm wanting again. I want to eat with you, I want to have sex with you, I want to talk, and to linger, to kiss and to touch... All of it.

Edited Date: 2016-05-24 12:07 am (UTC)

Greedy. [It's spoken fondly, and maybe thoughtlessly.] Although...

[He puts down his sandwich and picks up a bit of fruit, holding it to Anders' lips.]

[For a second he's worried, but then Nate's tone registers. Nate gets a smile as he brings the fruit close to Anders' mouth. The mage slowly takes a bite, eyes on Nate the whole time as he swallows, licks his lips, and then leans in to lick Nate's fingers.]

You were saying?

[He reaches for a bit of meat now, breaking it off from his sandwich.]

Maybe you're right and we can have everything, mm?

Now we're talking.

[He can feel his pulse start to speed up. Nate might not have much in the way of sexual fantasies yet, but Anders hopes he can start inspiring some... and fulfilling them. Nate's already playing a starring role in several of Anders', after all.]

We'll have to keep talking. Find out all the ways you might want me, all the things you might want to do with me, to me...

[Nathaniel chases that bite by kissing Anders quickly.]

One drawback of never sleeping with anyone I'm going to see again is that I've never quite explored some things. I'm looking forward to that.

[A bit of bread now, held to Anders' lips. He likes this feeding, the flash of heat against his fingers as he feels lips and tongue, the intimacy, the feeling of being someone's sustenance.

Edited Date: 2016-05-24 04:02 am (UTC)

What would you like to explore?

[This is not something he's thought about before, simply being fed, but he's definitely enjoying it. Nate's taking care of him and it's somehow hot.]

Because I'm definitely of a mood for exploring. And more of your fingers.