pinprick | Fade Rift: Inbox

You know what to do.

Nathaniel mistakes Anders' silence for being related to what happened at Weisshaupt. There has been a lot to think about lately. Adelaide is in the back of his mind, the alarming nature of her message, the burden she placed before him. How could he hope to continue where she left off? Bethany can make something of her notes, but Nathaniel is no mage. Adelaide was more than a researcher in this. She was a leader and a friend.

Nathaniel squeezes Anders' hand. He has no other encouragement to give.

He squeezes back.

"I got, while at Weisshaupt, I got a message from Adelaide. She doesn't think she's making it out of the Fade. And I..." Anders breaks off and squeezes his eyes shut. "I don't want to lose her, Nate. I care about her." He doesn't even know how to say this. What if he shouldn't? But not telling Nate would be worse, because Nate's already worried when Anders flirts sometimes. If Nate knows when Anders has feelings, then he doesn't have to worry about other flirting as there's nothing there.

"I know." Nathaniel pulls Anders close with his other hand, planting a kiss against his temple. "I know you do. And she cares about you. She's just very Orlesian about showing it. But don't grieve her before we know she's lost."

Very Orlesian about showing it is definitely one way to put it, but he does know Adelaide cares when she's not working to be cold. He curls up against Nate, searching for words.

"It's not just..." He takes a shaky breath. "I think I should say this so that you know, so that it's not like I'm hiding something, but the stress of the rituals and then this... I've feelings for her too. I love you. I absolutely love you. I don't know how or why I can feel for someone else as well, but you should know all of this and that I love you and want to be open and honest with you."

Nathaniel isn't entirely surprised. There is hurt, yes, but from a blow he partly expected would come anyway. He's never been enough for anyone, and Anders has a history.

"All right," he says calmly, then suddenly stands up, pulling out of Anders' grasp. "All right." He starts pacing the tent. "Yes. Yes, you had to tell me. It's not like I could have foreseen that you'd move on to something else once things are too good. That's not in your history at all."

Edited Date: 2016-06-02 08:11 pm (UTC)

He blinks, staring, feeling like he's just been kicked in the gut by the history line.

"I... What?" And too good, too? "When has my life even approached too good? I've left when things got--that wasn't what I was saying!" The amount of doubt in him that he's hearing from Nate's words is entirely unexpected, and it hurts.

"Have you trusted me this little all along?"

"Trust isn't the same thing as surety, Anders. I put my heart in your hands. That is trust. Done in spite of doubt, not without it. And this...what is this? Am I meant to console you while you pine for someone else?"

In spite of doubt. Nate had doubted him. The one person who had called him still good, who'd seemed to show every bit of faith in Anders that Anders couldn't have in himself, had doubted him. Anders feels horribly heavy, and it's not helped by the smug gloating he's getting from Justice. How could someone have faith in an abomination?

"I'm not pining! I'm not... I was trying to communicate! To talk! You got nervous about Zevran no matter how many times I told you he was a friend, despite what he did for us, I thought if you knew when there were feelings then you'd not worry when there weren't any, that you'd... That you would trust me. Not get up and be ready to walk away because you'd no faith."

"I'm not walking away."

Nathaniel sits back down beside him, head buzzing, not sure why this is suddenly his fault. Maybe it is. Maybe he's just being over-jealous. But Anders isn't saying he's leaving. Yet.

"More times than I can count, you've kept trying to convince me you're not worth it. You keep preparing me for something. As if you know something I don't. Who am I to believe, the Anders who tells me this is too good to last, or the Anders who tells me I have too little faith in him?"

With no ready answer for that, Anders looks away. He doesn't deserve any of this but it goes both ways. He doesn't deserve the good, and he doesn't deserve Nate's mistrust. He'd been trying to do things right this time, make certain that he didn't mess up, and now this has gone wrong like everything always does.

"Well. You're the one who knows my history." The word's barbed. "It's your call what you decide to believe or trust or do."

His history is a tale of him winding up alone, over and over, and Anders can't muster the strength to ask Nate to stay. He can't. He can't have that thrown back at him if he's left alone yet again.

"I believe..."

Nathaniel's hands are shaking. One rubs at his face. Anders is still here. He's not leaving. And here they are hurting each other, like the Howes do. And who was it who started the hurting?

"I'm going for a walk to calm down." He needs to stop trembling. "Afterward, I'll come back and we can talk about this again. All right?"

Everything says he shouldn't let Nate walk away. Why would Nate come back? For him?But he can't force someone to stay with him, and so Anders nods.

"All right." Anders can't look up, can only stare at Purrelden as she bats at his robe tie trying to become the focus of attention again. His voice is as limp as the tie. "When you're back."

He's messed it up. Again. And he's going to be alone. Again. And it's probably better this way, because he can't see the rituals succeeding and Nate hadn't wanted to deal with Justice in the first place - a thought he can't pin down as Justice's alone or both, and he's too tired to try.

Nathaniel returns about an hour later to find Anders in bed with Purrelden. He nudges the cat away with a sigh, lifts the covers, and slips in behind Anders. His arms circle his waist and hold him tightly.

"I'm sorry."

He's aware of Nate's return to the tent and he waits, nervous, knowing he can't afford to hope, and yet trying to do so anyway. The moment Nate's arms are around him he's moving, though, turning to cling back to the man and bury his face in Nate's neck. Nate came back. Despite all of what Anders is, Nate came back.

"I am too." He'd wanted so badly to not hurt Nate and he'd done it anyway. For several minutes he just stays there, listening to his lover breathe, feeling the pinpricks of tiny claws digging in as Purrelden reclaims her perch on top of them both.

"I love you. I want you. I don't, I didn't... I don't want to keep secrets, or feel like I'm holding something back, or make you worry about that. I've never had a relationship that's mattered to me this much. I don't want to mess it up."

"You didn't do anything wrong." Nathaniel kisses his forehead, his cheek. "You did the right thing. It's my worst fear to lose you and I couldn't see past that."

He presses his cheek to that fragrant hair.

"While I was walking, I realized...I'd left you alone in the tent, worrying about someone you care about so much while I was making it all about me."

He kisses the side of Nate's neck, not even the slightest bit tempted to budge from where he's at.

"It occurred to me that I could lose you both in this one trip, and I couldn't even find the energy to get up and follow you. It felt almost inevitable, like it was just a matter of time before I lost everyone again anyway."

His grip tightens around Nate. It may yet come true that he'll lose everyone, but at least he has Nate still for now.

A soft laugh. "I was angry because I thought you were going to leave me. I was never going to leave you." Another kiss on Anders' forehead. "We had a fight, that's all. And it's done. We're both afraid of the same thing, and the solution is easy: we won't do the thing we're afraid to do. All right?"

Edited Date: 2016-06-02 09:47 pm (UTC)

Nothing's ever been easy in his life except him, but this? This really could be. Nate doesn't want to leave him and Anders doesn't want to leave Nate.

"All right." The agreement is easy too. "I love you." He's not sure he can say that enough right now.

"And I'm not leaving you." There's a short beat, and then there's a little teasing in his voice when he speaks again. "After all, your cock is perfect. How could I possibly be tempted away?"

Edited Date: 2016-06-02 09:55 pm (UTC)

Nathaniel chuckles, and leans in to kiss those sassy lips. "I love you too. And every inch of you is perfect."

He brings a hand up to stroke Anders' cheek. "Do you want to talk about Adelaide?"

He always feels better when someone's laughing. Anders kisses back, letting the touches linger, before opening his eyes and looking at Nate, leaning against that palm.

"If you're all right talking about it, yes. Or it can wait. I truly don't want to hurt you."

The worst thing is that Anders trusted him with this, and he threw a fit. Now, Anders has to question.

"I'm fine." One more kiss on his cheek. "Talk to me."

He relaxes against Nate. Nate says he's fine so Anders will take him at his word. It hurt to feel distrusted, after all.

"As... As Detlef, I shared a few moments with her. I was certain I'd not just slammed that door but utterly destroyed it thanks to my deception, and didn't think on it further for some time. Until we were stuck telling the truth. Even that didn't say as much as realizing she could be trapped in the Fade and there's nothing I can do about it." Anders exhales, trying not to dwell on it. There's still fear there, though.

"It turns out I still feel things, a lot of things. I don't know how to stop. I don't know that I want to stop, but I do know that I absolutely love you and am not lacking for anything. This isn't because of you, this is because apparently my emotions are not in touch with my head."

Anders needs to be trusted. Until he comes to a time when he can trust and forgive himself, Nathaniel must be his trust and forgiveness. It's just a matter of time.

"I believe you. I'm sorry I was jealous. Adelaide is a very special woman, and...you and she make sense. More sense than you and I do. That's why I was jealous. I don't want to be jealous any more than you want to have feelings for her."

He reaches up and pushes Nate's hair back, palm resting on the man's cheek.

"Warden and warden make the most sense of all, even if we ignore how I feel about you. We've secrets that we can't share with those who aren't Wardens, and you know more about me than anyone else. You make me feel safe and cherished, Nate. There is no making more sense."

Nathaniel smiles, and turns his face to kiss the palm of Anders' hand.

"And you make me feel loved and wanted. You're right. Nothing in the world makes more sense."