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[Anders tenses then.]

I would rather die than be made Tranquil and he begged me to end it.

I did as he asked. For a long time, I thought that was the right choice. It had to be better to die...

[He feels himself losing it again and he stops for a moment, takes a couple deep breaths, and then tries again.]

Today I found out there's a cure. Cole told me mages of the White Spire stumbled upon it.

[Fuck.]

You couldn't have known.

[Because if it were him, Nathaniel would be thinking about what would have happened if he'd just left him alive, if he'd given the possibility of...something impossible. Something everyone knew was impossible.]

I couldn't have.. you're right.

[His voice sounds a little hollow.] I'm not done.

I asked the Inquisitor if she knew because I wanted to make sure the information got to someone who could use it to do good. She told me that the Seekers always knew. Not... not the one here. She just found out recently.

But they knew. They were agents of the Chantry and they knew.

[People condemn Anders for a hundred deaths. It was the wrong thing to do, but that isn't the point. The point is that those same people don't care how many people are killed quietly, in the shadows, by powerful and righteous men. Even worse when the murderers don't even know their victims and make their choices in ivory towers just prior to sitting down for a glass of wine and a story for their grandchildren. Why are those people pardoned while Anders is hunted?

How can Cassandra of all people...?]

What is Lavellan going to do about it?

[Anders just feels empty, drained. He's already raged and cried and done everything else he can over this. He just wants to lean on Nate's strong form for a moment, and let that hold him up.]

Good things. I trust her with it. She's a good woman. And a mage.

Good. [That'll be enough for Nate, then. He kisses Anders' temple once, twice.]

Do you need anything of me?

[He bought a rattan recently, but he doesn't think this is that kind of situation. Anders seems exhausted.]

This?

[Anders suggests after a moment and moves his arm tight around Nate.] Just this.

[Nathaniel pulls a blanket over them both.]

I can do this. I'm not going anywhere.

[He tucks Anders' head beneath his chin and buries a hand in his hair.]

[Anders lets out another shakey sigh. He settles against Nathaniel, just cuddling him for now. He feels safe here. He hasn't felt that safe since he and Karl were kids together. It still hurts, aches deep in his chest, but having Nathaniel there somehow makes things a little better.]

Will you talk to me? Or read?

Of course. [Nathaniel picks up his book and reopens it to the last page he was on. He doesn't understand Anders' thing about his voice, but he's very much aware of it. So he plunges into Gulliver's Travels with his free arm tightly around Anders, reading about Lilliputians and their patchwork clothing for the protagonist.]

[It's a very soothing voice. More than that, though, is that hearing another person is a reminder that he really isn't alone. He settles in and listens. He isn't really paying much attention to the story so much as the fact that Nathaniel was there with him, willing to hold him and do what he needed. After a long while of just leaning against him the rouge and enjoying it. Then, after a moment, when Nate pauses]

Where do you keep getting these books?

Public library. [Nathaniel fingers his way to the next page.] You'd like this one. It's a satire about society.

Hmm. You do know how to speak to my heart, Nathaniel Howe. [He teases lightly, because teasing is better than dwelling and cuddling has already calmed him enough to feel comfortable to do that.]

It's a language worth learning. [Nathaniel kisses the top of his head.] Do you want me to keep reading?

[Anders nods after a moment.] For as long as you want.

Well. Take off your shoes and get comfortable. I'll read till I have to sleep.

[Slowly, he pulls himself off of Nathaniel. He takes off his shoes and some of his clothes, getting to a layer he's comfortable sleeping in. Then he's back lying against Nathaniel.]

[Nathaniel fits Anders against himself and starts reading again. The reading continues until his vision is blurring and he has to put down the book. He wraps his arms around Anders tightly.]

You're... [he's not as good at this as some people, not even as good as Tabris, but it needs to be said.] You're dear to me, Anders. I'm always here for you.

Mmm. I care about you too. [He's quiet for a moment and then adds,] Sometimes I think I'm unworthy of you.

[A soft huff.]

I wouldn't have gone down a very different path, if it weren't for Tabris. The only difference is that I had a chance you didn't.

I don't know many people who would agree with that.

They don't matter.

[For all that he fusses about reputation and gossip with Tabris, it somehow makes little difference with Anders. Maybe because the exchange is very different. If he slept with Tabris, the only benefit would be sleeping with her. But Anders is a whole person, and reputation seems like a small price to pay for one person. Maybe Nathaniel has been lying to himself all this time anyway, thinking he could salvage something from the ashes of his family's honor. He would rather know his own honor for what it is, and he couldn't live with himself if he rejected Anders.]

You matter, to me. You deserve love and respect.

[Anders hums a bit at that and then moves his head to nuzzle Nathaniel's neck.]

You too. [He mutters softly]

[It's hard to spout denials after what he just said. And maybe Anders is right, though Nathaniel flinches at it. If people should be loved and respected, he can't exclude himself.

He kisses close to Anders' ear and wonders if they're in a relationship after all. But no, Anders is mad about Hawke. Nathaniel's feelings only make half of the picture.]

I'm glad we found each other again. And I...don't want you to disappear again when this is done. I want you to stay.

Stay with you? That would be dangerous wouldn't it? Once our contracts are over, they'll send us back home. You don't want to be the Warden traveling with me...