The years may never come. He may not find a cure, and these four or so years might be all the rest that they have, all of what he can do, and things may never change. But Nate's listening to him and hearing his fears, even the ones he can't put into words, and no one's done that before Nate.
Anders looks away, but he takes the offered hand lightly.
"I told myself that there was a reason Hawke spared me. That I could still do something. But often it feels like I can't, that I'm, no matter what I do, I'm just a murderer, and I'm just that in everyone's eyes."
It feels like he's someone who people can't put faith in, and everyone knows it except him. Like people he calls friends are just humoring him, that he's a weight on the Wardens and nothing else. What if he is just a murderer and Justice simply tapped into his true nature?
Everything would have been simpler if he'd been executed for the Chantry. But he hadn't, which means he's trying to live and sometimes can't see life working.
"I want more, to be more. And I don't know that it's ever going to happen."
No thanks? Not even an acknowledgement? Nathaniel finds himself letting go of Anders' hand and standing up to pace the room briskly, increasingly agitated.
At last, he bursts out, "Do you have any idea what more it is you want? Because I would like to avoid this in the future, this scene in which you come into our bedroom and accuse me of betraying you because there was a more you didn't get. Which I didn't think you wanted, by the by, as you were searching for a cure so you wouldn't have to be a Warden anymore, senior or no. And as I've done everything in my power to make you happy, I would like to have a little credit in the future, please."
His face starts to burn, shame and frustration mixing.
"A life," he hisses. "A life with choices and agency and being a person rather than being That Apostate or That Abomination or That Murderer. A life as a part of a group that sees me as a person rather than a burden."
Anders gets up and is at a loss of what to do with himself now that he's standing.
"I'm searching for a cure so that service doesn't end in death, not to just... leave. Maker's breath, if I'd had the option in Amaranthine I would have stayed but it wasn't me who decided that! I want being a Warden to not be a death sentence, want us to have an option after serving. I want hope and I don't have that, don't have any of that. You give me a chance if I accomplish the impossible, but if I don't? If I don't, is the only option to stagnate here? To run around endlessly healing and being That Anders who even the Wardens have no faith in? Watched by the Wardens, kept by the Wardens, who probably just wish he'd have the decency to die and stop dragging them down? And then in four years I get to decide if I go to my death or I lose the only reason I have to keep getting up in the morning in this horrible, awful city?"
He hates Kirkwall. Hates every memory associated with it, hates this one already. Maybe the terrifying gaps in his memory are a blessing in disguise, sparing him from parts of this.
"I want to be a person," he says miserably as he picks up Purrelden who protests, twisting and getting away so she can continue her bath. Not even his cat wants anything to do with him. "Not a thing. And it's not going to happen."
Suddenly exhausted, he plops back on the bed and doesn't look at Nate. His voice is leaden when he speaks again. "I'm sorry for accusing you of betraying me." He's a mess and he makes everything a mess. That Nate would be upset should come as no surprise; who wouldn't be, having to deal with him? Maybe somehow he can pull himself together to make it for four years, because then he'll have an end. A goal. Make it that far, and there won't be more hatred or resentment.
The more Anders rants, the more things are brought into perspective. Nathaniel grew up thinking communication among family was redundant, that good family always knew without asking, and now Anders is his family. The longer it goes, the more his head bows, his brow furrows, he sinks back onto the bed. When Anders is quiet, he turns to pull him into his arms and kiss his face. They should have communicated more.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But Maker, Anders, what you have already accomplished. Your footsteps shook the earth when I first met you. You saved the world from the Mother, you freed the mages, you saved so many countless lives in the most forsaken place I can think of, you delivered their children and had no thought of gain. It almost seems greedy of you to ask to be more. I thought it was Justice driving you, but it was always you. And I married that, so I love it. All right? You're the whole world to me."
He tears up, curling against Nate. His whole world. Could he find enough strength from that, knowing that to one person he's not the villain? He owes it to Nate to try, at the very least.
"I've helped," he says quietly. "But I've also destroyed. And that, that's my legacy. That's what everyone sees when they look at me. I know it's greedy to ask, to want people to see all of what I've done rather than one thing alone, but I've never been more than a thing. Except to you." Because whole world isn't a thing, it's a feeling and more.
"The Anders boy, that apostate, the Warden who escaped for now, that abomination, the one who destroyed the chantry, that and this to the point that I don't even know my name. Anders isn't mine, I don't, I don't have an identity that is mine except for being your husband. I treasure being your husband. I value it, and you, so much. But other people look at me and they see... I'm so tired of being hated and feared. I wanted to help and instead I hurt. No title changes that, nothing will."
If only he could ask Cole to make almost everyone forget him. He takes a shaky breath, turning his face to kiss Nate's jaw gently.
"I want a cure, I want a life after the Wardens with you, in four years. I want to be a nameless healer with a cottage on the coast, and a child, or two, a house cat, barn cats, and you. But I've never had happiness last, and I can't find it in myself to believe it will happen. So I've, we've this time, in this city, and everything is that much more difficult because I know I'm going to fail in the city I've failed repeatedly in before."
"Don't say that," Nathaniel sighs against Anders' jaw. "You're not the only one looking for a cure. And there are so many people who love you, Anders, so many people at our wedding who could not have cared less about me. So many people who came to save you when you were captured."
He kisses that jaw. "And if we can't have a life after the Wardens, I will still take this one with you. I love you so much. You don't have to prove you're a person. You are one. Just be one."
He spends so much time in his own head and in his own fears that sometimes he can't figure out how to just be. Or to just hope. He exhales and turns a little to kiss Nate's lips gently.
"And I love you so much. You mean so much to me, and I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm scared all the time, I'm sorry I don't always make sense. And I'm sorry I struggle at just being and hoping. I don't mean to make things messy." He tries to figure them out and gets wrapped up in his own thoughts and then does cause a mess, and he hates himself for it.
Nathaniel returns a few kisses on his mouth and then pulls him close and lets things settle for a moment, the air still and close around them.
"You want children?" he says after a moment, though it's impossible for them. Nathaniel never even considered it, and hasn't for some time, except for some moments with his nephew.
He closes his eyes and rests against Nate, shifting to look up at his husband's face at the question.
"I've... Yes. I've wanted to have a family for much of my life. Build one of my own, since I lost mine." Lost, had it taken away, same difference. "Then I became a Warden and thought that was done, especially when I lost Karl. But if we find a cure... There are so many orphans, Nate. They don't have anyone, and we've love. It's something that's years off, and if you don't want children I understand. It's not a need." He doesn't know how he can talk about this while not really having faith in finding a cure. It makes no sense, it's a contradiction, but so much of his life is contradictions.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
chiming
no subject
Date: 2017-04-20 07:59 pm (UTC)From:Anders looks away, but he takes the offered hand lightly.
"I told myself that there was a reason Hawke spared me. That I could still do something. But often it feels like I can't, that I'm, no matter what I do, I'm just a murderer, and I'm just that in everyone's eyes."
It feels like he's someone who people can't put faith in, and everyone knows it except him. Like people he calls friends are just humoring him, that he's a weight on the Wardens and nothing else. What if he is just a murderer and Justice simply tapped into his true nature?
Everything would have been simpler if he'd been executed for the Chantry. But he hadn't, which means he's trying to live and sometimes can't see life working.
"I want more, to be more. And I don't know that it's ever going to happen."
no subject
Date: 2017-04-20 09:15 pm (UTC)From:At last, he bursts out, "Do you have any idea what more it is you want? Because I would like to avoid this in the future, this scene in which you come into our bedroom and accuse me of betraying you because there was a more you didn't get. Which I didn't think you wanted, by the by, as you were searching for a cure so you wouldn't have to be a Warden anymore, senior or no. And as I've done everything in my power to make you happy, I would like to have a little credit in the future, please."
no subject
Date: 2017-04-20 09:56 pm (UTC)From:"A life," he hisses. "A life with choices and agency and being a person rather than being That Apostate or That Abomination or That Murderer. A life as a part of a group that sees me as a person rather than a burden."
Anders gets up and is at a loss of what to do with himself now that he's standing.
"I'm searching for a cure so that service doesn't end in death, not to just... leave. Maker's breath, if I'd had the option in Amaranthine I would have stayed but it wasn't me who decided that! I want being a Warden to not be a death sentence, want us to have an option after serving. I want hope and I don't have that, don't have any of that. You give me a chance if I accomplish the impossible, but if I don't? If I don't, is the only option to stagnate here? To run around endlessly healing and being That Anders who even the Wardens have no faith in? Watched by the Wardens, kept by the Wardens, who probably just wish he'd have the decency to die and stop dragging them down? And then in four years I get to decide if I go to my death or I lose the only reason I have to keep getting up in the morning in this horrible, awful city?"
He hates Kirkwall. Hates every memory associated with it, hates this one already. Maybe the terrifying gaps in his memory are a blessing in disguise, sparing him from parts of this.
"I want to be a person," he says miserably as he picks up Purrelden who protests, twisting and getting away so she can continue her bath. Not even his cat wants anything to do with him. "Not a thing. And it's not going to happen."
Suddenly exhausted, he plops back on the bed and doesn't look at Nate. His voice is leaden when he speaks again. "I'm sorry for accusing you of betraying me." He's a mess and he makes everything a mess. That Nate would be upset should come as no surprise; who wouldn't be, having to deal with him? Maybe somehow he can pull himself together to make it for four years, because then he'll have an end. A goal. Make it that far, and there won't be more hatred or resentment.
no subject
Date: 2017-04-20 10:03 pm (UTC)From:"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But Maker, Anders, what you have already accomplished. Your footsteps shook the earth when I first met you. You saved the world from the Mother, you freed the mages, you saved so many countless lives in the most forsaken place I can think of, you delivered their children and had no thought of gain. It almost seems greedy of you to ask to be more. I thought it was Justice driving you, but it was always you. And I married that, so I love it. All right? You're the whole world to me."
no subject
Date: 2017-04-20 10:55 pm (UTC)From:"I've helped," he says quietly. "But I've also destroyed. And that, that's my legacy. That's what everyone sees when they look at me. I know it's greedy to ask, to want people to see all of what I've done rather than one thing alone, but I've never been more than a thing. Except to you." Because whole world isn't a thing, it's a feeling and more.
"The Anders boy, that apostate, the Warden who escaped for now, that abomination, the one who destroyed the chantry, that and this to the point that I don't even know my name. Anders isn't mine, I don't, I don't have an identity that is mine except for being your husband. I treasure being your husband. I value it, and you, so much. But other people look at me and they see... I'm so tired of being hated and feared. I wanted to help and instead I hurt. No title changes that, nothing will."
If only he could ask Cole to make almost everyone forget him. He takes a shaky breath, turning his face to kiss Nate's jaw gently.
"I want a cure, I want a life after the Wardens with you, in four years. I want to be a nameless healer with a cottage on the coast, and a child, or two, a house cat, barn cats, and you. But I've never had happiness last, and I can't find it in myself to believe it will happen. So I've, we've this time, in this city, and everything is that much more difficult because I know I'm going to fail in the city I've failed repeatedly in before."
no subject
Date: 2017-04-21 12:25 am (UTC)From:He kisses that jaw. "And if we can't have a life after the Wardens, I will still take this one with you. I love you so much. You don't have to prove you're a person. You are one. Just be one."
no subject
Date: 2017-04-21 01:50 am (UTC)From:"And I love you so much. You mean so much to me, and I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm scared all the time, I'm sorry I don't always make sense. And I'm sorry I struggle at just being and hoping. I don't mean to make things messy." He tries to figure them out and gets wrapped up in his own thoughts and then does cause a mess, and he hates himself for it.
no subject
Date: 2017-04-21 02:05 am (UTC)From:"You want children?" he says after a moment, though it's impossible for them. Nathaniel never even considered it, and hasn't for some time, except for some moments with his nephew.
no subject
Date: 2017-04-21 02:31 am (UTC)From:"I've... Yes. I've wanted to have a family for much of my life. Build one of my own, since I lost mine." Lost, had it taken away, same difference. "Then I became a Warden and thought that was done, especially when I lost Karl. But if we find a cure... There are so many orphans, Nate. They don't have anyone, and we've love. It's something that's years off, and if you don't want children I understand. It's not a need." He doesn't know how he can talk about this while not really having faith in finding a cure. It makes no sense, it's a contradiction, but so much of his life is contradictions.