pinprick | Fade Rift: Inbox

You know what to do.

That's...not a conversation I'm practiced with. Would you mind starting?

I don't mind.

[He gives Nate a gentle kiss on the cheek.]

I like a great many things, and I like trying new things as well, but there are a few areas that hold no appeal to me. I... I don't want to be tied or cuffed. Hands holding me in place are fine, I think. I've also no interest in pain beyond light biting and scratching. Giving or receiving.

[Nate gets another kiss before Anders takes a sip of wine and resumes talking. This is easy when you're shameless.]

Blindfolds are dependent on the day. Sometimes they're entertaining, sometimes they aren't. And on the other side of the spectrum you've already happened upon one of the things I very much enjoy - begging. I like when my words move my partner. I like being kissed during. And I like when someone's a bit forceful,like, say, shoving me against a tree in the middle of other people.

That last isn't at all the sort of thing I would do, [Nathaniel teases, deadpan.] What about purely symbolic restraint? A scarf draped across your wrists, for example? I loathe humiliation, but there is something about consenting vulnerability...

[He blushes faintly and starts to root through the basket of food. Ooh, bread and pork. He pulls out both and goes about making a sandwich.]

[Oh, that blush. He'd do a lot of things to inspire more of that.]

I've never tried it, but I would. I trust you. I could be vulnerable like that for you.

It's very...intimate, when that happens. Even the faint flinch of pain, it is so utterly intimate. I couldn't care less if you were actually in pain. I just want to see you...unguarded. Lost to everything in the world but me.

[His breath catches. He reaches out to touch Anders' face, to cup his jaw.]

Is that...frightening? I would never hurt you, Anders. I would never let you fall, or do anything against your consent. But if you will let me...surprise you. Perhaps you might be a little afraid--just enough fear to be exciting, if it's done right. But you will never come to harm.

[He leans into the touch, feeling both turned on and a little nervous.]

I'm not... I'm not good at being unguarded. Part of me worries that letting go too much, it could let Justice take control and that risk scares me. I don't like the blank spots in my memory after, the wondering if I've, what I've done this time.

[He takes a slow breath.]

And yet I find what you're suggesting appealing. With you alone. Surprise, and trust, and you.

I have the impression that the last thing Justice wants is to wake up to me making love to him.

[So much for the mood. Anders pulls away a little from Nate's touch, shaking his head.]

You've quite the ability to turn me on... and apparently quite the ability to stop that too. Pass the pork? I'd like a sandwich too.

[The important thing is that Justice heard. A deterrent, to keep him from interrupting during their sessions. Anders' control isn't nearly as important there as Justice's control, as much as Anders wants to blame himself.

Nathaniel passes him the pork with a bit of a sigh.]

To tell you the truth, the things I...fantasize, with you...the ones I spend the most time thinking on aren't sexual at all. And the ones that are, they're less spicy and more...sweet.

[He's quiet as he fixes his sandwich, looking down.]

If we're speaking of vulnerable...

[Nate gets a faint, somewhat scared smile when Anders has his meal completed.]

I'm good at sex. It's safe. Most of my fantasies are about that, including the more spicy sort of thing, because that's... easy. I'm attractive, and someone who is fucking me isn't thinking about imprisoning me, or how they hate me, or mages, any of that. I've not really... A date is about as far as I've hoped, or dreamed. I knew you wouldn't say no to it, but it still seems so big even when we're here. Or I was mostly certain you wouldn't say no to it. I knew you, I knew you loved me when you had me on your lap. A date wouldn't be a large thing to ask of someone who loves you, I figured.

[Ah. Nate thinks himself so mysterious and unreadable and he's actually pretty obvious. Well.]

Anders. I was squire to a chevalier. I assure you, I know more than my share about courtly love, if you're worried you'll miss out.

I'm not afraid of missing out.

[Sometimes he wishes he were a little better at explaining himself.]

I'm afraid of disappointing you. I'm...

[Half-broken, plagued with doubts and guilt, drenched in the blood of innocents.]

I'm afraid you're going to wake up and realize you've got the raw end of this deal, that you're going to want something you deserve and I've no idea how to give. I don't, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm fumbling and I want you, Maker, I want you so much, and everything I've ever wanted and had I've destroyed, Nate.

[Nathaniel puts aside his sandwich. He takes hold of Anders to encourage him to lie down, wrapping his arms around him from behind and holding him tight. He won't interrupt. He will let him speak all his worries. But he won't do it while staring at him from across a blanket, leaving him to wonder whether he is still loved.]

[He lies down, confusion making him a little stiff in his movements. What Nate's doing sinks in after a few moments and Anders exhales shakily.]

I've hurt so many and broken so much. I don't know how to stop. And I can only heal physical things. If I hurt you, when I hurt you...

[Anders trails off and puts down his own food so he can hold tight to Nate's arms.]

I love you and I don't want to let you down but I don't know if I can stop that from happening.

This?

[Nathaniel squeezes him.]

Right here. This is my fantasy. Being able to hold you, whether you're happy or in pain, and if you're in pain, being able to comfort you. This is all I want from you, and you know how to do it. But I don't. I don't know how to comfort you. Comfort has never been very important, in my life. But I yearn to comfort you. I yearn to make you happy, and to give you all those things you should have had.

But when I hurt--even if you're the one who hurts me--I will still want you right here, and that will comfort me. You're not cursed, Anders. You don't break everything you touch. You've just been living in the storm so long that you think a blue sky is a lie, instead of the end of the storm.

[He closes his eyes and leans back into the warmth of Nate, taking a slow breath. There's so many things he could say, protests about how he didn't even have it as bad as so many others, that he does break everything, but what would it do? And is it even him who judges himself so harshly? Nate sees more in Anders than Anders can. That doesn't have to mean he's wrong.]

The fact that you're here, that you're not already gone, that you stood with me, for me, when we spoke with Herc, they're all comforts. I don't want you to put it on yourself to ease all of my pain. I don't think that's fair to you, and I don't think that's possible.

Be... Be with me, stay with me even when I do what I do. That's more than, than anyone's done.

I will. Always.

[He kisses him behind his ear and gives him a squeeze, lingering there for a moment before releasing him and sitting back up. They do need to eat. But before he goes back to his meal, he leans in to kiss him.]

[He tilts his head to kiss back before sitting up as well, taking a breath. It's terrifying to be vulnerable and open, but he trusts Nate as he does no other.]

And I'll be with you, love.

[For so long he's dreamed of being loved. His imagination hadn't compared to the reality. He takes his sandwich back up to start eating, but only after he's scooted in so he can lean against Nate as he does.]

I've been with so many people, but you're the first to care like this. It's a lot to take in sometimes.

I've never felt like this about anyone. Or...been with anyone I was going to see again. I'm always afraid I'm doing something terribly wrong.

[He snuggles against Anders, wrapping an arm around his waist and eating his sandwich one-handed.]

You are. You're eating your sandwich with only one hand and all the filling is going to fall out. But if you let go of me then I'm going to be disappointed. You've put yourself in quite the dilemma, that's what you're doing wrong.

[His voice is warm, just as warm as he feels burrowed up against Nate. This picnic might have been one of the best ideas of his life.]

I have faith that you'll find a way to deal with this one, however.

[Nathaniel chuckles; a genuinely joyful sound, coming from him.]

If the filling falls out, I can pick it back up. [He touches his cheek to Anders' hair and rocks a bit before going back to take another bite.]

That's what you think.

[Nate's laugh feels like a balm. He's making the man who loves him happy.]

But if your filling falls out...

[He snickers.]

Then again, instead of racing to grab it, I could offer a different sort.

Not for my sandwich, you can't.

[But there's another chuckle anyway. Maker, but this day is wonderful.]

True. I don't like teeth there.

[He'd forgotten how it feels to be happy for a long stretch there. Even now it's still not complete, with Justice lurking, strongly disapproving. Anders' focus is not on Justice right now, or justice either. It's on Nate.]

So it'll be a race to grab your meat, then.

[And on double meanings.]