pinprick: (And all the paths were overgrown)
You know what to do.

Date: 2017-04-20 03:10 am (UTC)From: [personal profile] justice_is_blond
justice_is_blond: (Stop in the name of)
It feels like a slap in the face when Anders hears the news. It feels like he's been deluding himself into thinking that he's liked and a part of the group all over again, and it has him trying to figure out if he's fooling himself for the rest of the day.

By the time evening falls and he's stumbled his way back to the warehouse, he hasn't decided. Nate passed him over, despite everything he's done, despite how many Darkspawn he'd fought while holding Amaranthine fortress, because what? He'd been betrayed by the Wardens and had to flee? All he knows is he's frustrated and hurt and having doubts all over again about his choices.

When Nate gets home, the glance he gets isn't happy to see him or warm. It's defensive, because Anders isn't sure what sort of shields he needs here or even how to put them up anymore against Nate.

"So I'll just be the, what, junior Warden, the one the Wardens took in to spare his life, but can't show any sort of acceptance for? I've been a Warden longer than them. I've done more than they have. I've put my trust back in the Wardens, but the Wardens can't put theirs back in me? The only reason I left was because I got betrayed by the Wardens."

Now that he's speaking he knows what he's feeling: betrayal all over again, and like he'll never get anywhere no matter what he does if even the one who claims to love him can't show any faith in him publicly.

"You tell me I'm a good person in private, but then tell the world that you can't believe in me or stand behind me. One of those comes across much louder than the other."

And comes across as the true sentiment. Anything can be whispered behind closed doors. This is public.
Edited Date: 2017-04-20 03:29 am (UTC)

Date: 2017-04-20 05:51 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] justice_is_blond
justice_is_blond: (Actually let's go with that idea)
"I, the healer in Amaranthine, held the fortress. I've lead people against bandits here, and I've gotten clearance to lead them against a High Dragon. I've managed a network of people that I'm rebuilding. I'm not asking for a symbolic position."

His arms cross as he leans against a bedpost to make certain he doesn't lean against Nate right now.

"I'm asking for something I've earned, and something I should have had if not for other Wardens. Something I've earned that has meaning, no less. Do you truly think people are going to hear of the promotion and the obvious lack of promotion for someone who is senior and think 'oh, it's because he's a healer'? They're not. And as far as Velanna and Oghren go, they chose to ditch the Wardens for a time. Velanna's been odd lately to the point I'm worried she may be hearing her Calling and isn't telling anyone, and Oghren's rarely sober long enough to lead. They're not me."

Date: 2017-04-20 07:59 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] justice_is_blond
justice_is_blond: (Can't meet your eyes)
The years may never come. He may not find a cure, and these four or so years might be all the rest that they have, all of what he can do, and things may never change. But Nate's listening to him and hearing his fears, even the ones he can't put into words, and no one's done that before Nate.

Anders looks away, but he takes the offered hand lightly.

"I told myself that there was a reason Hawke spared me. That I could still do something. But often it feels like I can't, that I'm, no matter what I do, I'm just a murderer, and I'm just that in everyone's eyes."

It feels like he's someone who people can't put faith in, and everyone knows it except him. Like people he calls friends are just humoring him, that he's a weight on the Wardens and nothing else. What if he is just a murderer and Justice simply tapped into his true nature?

Everything would have been simpler if he'd been executed for the Chantry. But he hadn't, which means he's trying to live and sometimes can't see life working.

"I want more, to be more. And I don't know that it's ever going to happen."
Edited Date: 2017-04-20 08:00 pm (UTC)

Date: 2017-04-20 09:56 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] justice_is_blond
justice_is_blond: (I am truly sorry)
His face starts to burn, shame and frustration mixing.

"A life," he hisses. "A life with choices and agency and being a person rather than being That Apostate or That Abomination or That Murderer. A life as a part of a group that sees me as a person rather than a burden."

Anders gets up and is at a loss of what to do with himself now that he's standing.

"I'm searching for a cure so that service doesn't end in death, not to just... leave. Maker's breath, if I'd had the option in Amaranthine I would have stayed but it wasn't me who decided that! I want being a Warden to not be a death sentence, want us to have an option after serving. I want hope and I don't have that, don't have any of that. You give me a chance if I accomplish the impossible, but if I don't? If I don't, is the only option to stagnate here? To run around endlessly healing and being That Anders who even the Wardens have no faith in? Watched by the Wardens, kept by the Wardens, who probably just wish he'd have the decency to die and stop dragging them down? And then in four years I get to decide if I go to my death or I lose the only reason I have to keep getting up in the morning in this horrible, awful city?"

He hates Kirkwall. Hates every memory associated with it, hates this one already. Maybe the terrifying gaps in his memory are a blessing in disguise, sparing him from parts of this.

"I want to be a person," he says miserably as he picks up Purrelden who protests, twisting and getting away so she can continue her bath. Not even his cat wants anything to do with him. "Not a thing. And it's not going to happen."

Suddenly exhausted, he plops back on the bed and doesn't look at Nate. His voice is leaden when he speaks again. "I'm sorry for accusing you of betraying me." He's a mess and he makes everything a mess. That Nate would be upset should come as no surprise; who wouldn't be, having to deal with him? Maybe somehow he can pull himself together to make it for four years, because then he'll have an end. A goal. Make it that far, and there won't be more hatred or resentment.

Date: 2017-04-20 10:55 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] justice_is_blond
justice_is_blond: (Close to tears)
He tears up, curling against Nate. His whole world. Could he find enough strength from that, knowing that to one person he's not the villain? He owes it to Nate to try, at the very least.

"I've helped," he says quietly. "But I've also destroyed. And that, that's my legacy. That's what everyone sees when they look at me. I know it's greedy to ask, to want people to see all of what I've done rather than one thing alone, but I've never been more than a thing. Except to you." Because whole world isn't a thing, it's a feeling and more.

"The Anders boy, that apostate, the Warden who escaped for now, that abomination, the one who destroyed the chantry, that and this to the point that I don't even know my name. Anders isn't mine, I don't, I don't have an identity that is mine except for being your husband. I treasure being your husband. I value it, and you, so much. But other people look at me and they see... I'm so tired of being hated and feared. I wanted to help and instead I hurt. No title changes that, nothing will."

If only he could ask Cole to make almost everyone forget him. He takes a shaky breath, turning his face to kiss Nate's jaw gently.

"I want a cure, I want a life after the Wardens with you, in four years. I want to be a nameless healer with a cottage on the coast, and a child, or two, a house cat, barn cats, and you. But I've never had happiness last, and I can't find it in myself to believe it will happen. So I've, we've this time, in this city, and everything is that much more difficult because I know I'm going to fail in the city I've failed repeatedly in before."

Date: 2017-04-21 01:50 am (UTC)From: [personal profile] justice_is_blond
justice_is_blond: (Close to tears)
He spends so much time in his own head and in his own fears that sometimes he can't figure out how to just be. Or to just hope. He exhales and turns a little to kiss Nate's lips gently.

"And I love you so much. You mean so much to me, and I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm scared all the time, I'm sorry I don't always make sense. And I'm sorry I struggle at just being and hoping. I don't mean to make things messy." He tries to figure them out and gets wrapped up in his own thoughts and then does cause a mess, and he hates himself for it.

Date: 2017-04-21 02:31 am (UTC)From: [personal profile] justice_is_blond
justice_is_blond: (Wouldn't that be something)
He closes his eyes and rests against Nate, shifting to look up at his husband's face at the question.

"I've... Yes. I've wanted to have a family for much of my life. Build one of my own, since I lost mine." Lost, had it taken away, same difference. "Then I became a Warden and thought that was done, especially when I lost Karl. But if we find a cure... There are so many orphans, Nate. They don't have anyone, and we've love. It's something that's years off, and if you don't want children I understand. It's not a need." He doesn't know how he can talk about this while not really having faith in finding a cure. It makes no sense, it's a contradiction, but so much of his life is contradictions.

Profile

pinprick: (Default)
Nathaniel Howe

January 2020

S M T W T F S
   1234
567891011
12131415161718
1920 2122232425
262728293031 

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 8th, 2025 02:06 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios