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You know what to do.

I'm not good at hoping. But you make it easier.

[They've reached the spot, and Anders gives Nate's hand another squeeze before releasing it.]

My teacher told me straight-out that Hope and Faith would never work with me. But if you can handle the hoping and believing, I can handle the healing.

There never was a time I thought I'd be considered an optimist. [But Nathaniel was never wrung dry as utterly as Anders.] But these days, I think I can hold down that fort, for the two of us. And what I've found is that so long as you keep going, the healing sorts itself out.

I think you mean as long as I keep going, I sort out the healing. Healer, remember?

[It's clearly teasing as he sets down his packages and holds out a hand so he can help spread the blanket out.]

I may need to remind you of what you're dating sometime soon here.

I'm sure I don't know what you mean. [He sounds too light-hearted to be talking about Justice again. He shakes out the blanket and sits on it, offering Anders a hand sitting down.]

[Nate gets a considering look, and then Anders' expression turns entirely too innocent to be real as he takes Nate's hand... and casts lightning very lightly so that Nate's hand tingles.]

You're right. You don't. I haven't truly demonstrated it yet.

[At first, he's not sure what he's feeling, till he sees the spark and looks down. Then, Nathaniel's palm opens to the feeling, eyes widening slightly as he begins to understand what Anders is talking about. There's a long pause as he processes it. He feels his skin flush all over.]

Well, [he says carefully,] we are alone, and have adequate time for a demonstration.

And let the food get cold? Colder, really. It's not warm out here.

[He looks entirely pleased with himself as he releases Nate's hand and starts unwrapping the food, offering bread to Nate as if he'd not done anything special at all. He has, and the red of Nate's face tells him everything.]

We could have the demonstration as a sort of desert.

[Nathaniel leans in to pluck a kiss from Anders' lips, then sits back, smiling from ear to ear.]

Sounds like my favorite kind of dessert.

[He pulls out a bottle of wine--good wine--and pours two glasses.]

[He leaves his eyes closed for several moments after the kiss, trying to memorize every bit of this moment. There are no words for how nice it is. Opening them, he accepts the glass of wine and raises it.]

I'm going to make you glad you said that. Though if there's a sensation you're not interested in feeling, you should say. Actually, we could probably use some discussion of what we like or don't.

That's...not a conversation I'm practiced with. Would you mind starting?

I don't mind.

[He gives Nate a gentle kiss on the cheek.]

I like a great many things, and I like trying new things as well, but there are a few areas that hold no appeal to me. I... I don't want to be tied or cuffed. Hands holding me in place are fine, I think. I've also no interest in pain beyond light biting and scratching. Giving or receiving.

[Nate gets another kiss before Anders takes a sip of wine and resumes talking. This is easy when you're shameless.]

Blindfolds are dependent on the day. Sometimes they're entertaining, sometimes they aren't. And on the other side of the spectrum you've already happened upon one of the things I very much enjoy - begging. I like when my words move my partner. I like being kissed during. And I like when someone's a bit forceful,like, say, shoving me against a tree in the middle of other people.

That last isn't at all the sort of thing I would do, [Nathaniel teases, deadpan.] What about purely symbolic restraint? A scarf draped across your wrists, for example? I loathe humiliation, but there is something about consenting vulnerability...

[He blushes faintly and starts to root through the basket of food. Ooh, bread and pork. He pulls out both and goes about making a sandwich.]

[Oh, that blush. He'd do a lot of things to inspire more of that.]

I've never tried it, but I would. I trust you. I could be vulnerable like that for you.

It's very...intimate, when that happens. Even the faint flinch of pain, it is so utterly intimate. I couldn't care less if you were actually in pain. I just want to see you...unguarded. Lost to everything in the world but me.

[His breath catches. He reaches out to touch Anders' face, to cup his jaw.]

Is that...frightening? I would never hurt you, Anders. I would never let you fall, or do anything against your consent. But if you will let me...surprise you. Perhaps you might be a little afraid--just enough fear to be exciting, if it's done right. But you will never come to harm.

[He leans into the touch, feeling both turned on and a little nervous.]

I'm not... I'm not good at being unguarded. Part of me worries that letting go too much, it could let Justice take control and that risk scares me. I don't like the blank spots in my memory after, the wondering if I've, what I've done this time.

[He takes a slow breath.]

And yet I find what you're suggesting appealing. With you alone. Surprise, and trust, and you.

I have the impression that the last thing Justice wants is to wake up to me making love to him.

[So much for the mood. Anders pulls away a little from Nate's touch, shaking his head.]

You've quite the ability to turn me on... and apparently quite the ability to stop that too. Pass the pork? I'd like a sandwich too.

[The important thing is that Justice heard. A deterrent, to keep him from interrupting during their sessions. Anders' control isn't nearly as important there as Justice's control, as much as Anders wants to blame himself.

Nathaniel passes him the pork with a bit of a sigh.]

To tell you the truth, the things I...fantasize, with you...the ones I spend the most time thinking on aren't sexual at all. And the ones that are, they're less spicy and more...sweet.

[He's quiet as he fixes his sandwich, looking down.]

If we're speaking of vulnerable...

[Nate gets a faint, somewhat scared smile when Anders has his meal completed.]

I'm good at sex. It's safe. Most of my fantasies are about that, including the more spicy sort of thing, because that's... easy. I'm attractive, and someone who is fucking me isn't thinking about imprisoning me, or how they hate me, or mages, any of that. I've not really... A date is about as far as I've hoped, or dreamed. I knew you wouldn't say no to it, but it still seems so big even when we're here. Or I was mostly certain you wouldn't say no to it. I knew you, I knew you loved me when you had me on your lap. A date wouldn't be a large thing to ask of someone who loves you, I figured.

[Ah. Nate thinks himself so mysterious and unreadable and he's actually pretty obvious. Well.]

Anders. I was squire to a chevalier. I assure you, I know more than my share about courtly love, if you're worried you'll miss out.

I'm not afraid of missing out.

[Sometimes he wishes he were a little better at explaining himself.]

I'm afraid of disappointing you. I'm...

[Half-broken, plagued with doubts and guilt, drenched in the blood of innocents.]

I'm afraid you're going to wake up and realize you've got the raw end of this deal, that you're going to want something you deserve and I've no idea how to give. I don't, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm fumbling and I want you, Maker, I want you so much, and everything I've ever wanted and had I've destroyed, Nate.

[Nathaniel puts aside his sandwich. He takes hold of Anders to encourage him to lie down, wrapping his arms around him from behind and holding him tight. He won't interrupt. He will let him speak all his worries. But he won't do it while staring at him from across a blanket, leaving him to wonder whether he is still loved.]

[He lies down, confusion making him a little stiff in his movements. What Nate's doing sinks in after a few moments and Anders exhales shakily.]

I've hurt so many and broken so much. I don't know how to stop. And I can only heal physical things. If I hurt you, when I hurt you...

[Anders trails off and puts down his own food so he can hold tight to Nate's arms.]

I love you and I don't want to let you down but I don't know if I can stop that from happening.

This?

[Nathaniel squeezes him.]

Right here. This is my fantasy. Being able to hold you, whether you're happy or in pain, and if you're in pain, being able to comfort you. This is all I want from you, and you know how to do it. But I don't. I don't know how to comfort you. Comfort has never been very important, in my life. But I yearn to comfort you. I yearn to make you happy, and to give you all those things you should have had.

But when I hurt--even if you're the one who hurts me--I will still want you right here, and that will comfort me. You're not cursed, Anders. You don't break everything you touch. You've just been living in the storm so long that you think a blue sky is a lie, instead of the end of the storm.

[He closes his eyes and leans back into the warmth of Nate, taking a slow breath. There's so many things he could say, protests about how he didn't even have it as bad as so many others, that he does break everything, but what would it do? And is it even him who judges himself so harshly? Nate sees more in Anders than Anders can. That doesn't have to mean he's wrong.]

The fact that you're here, that you're not already gone, that you stood with me, for me, when we spoke with Herc, they're all comforts. I don't want you to put it on yourself to ease all of my pain. I don't think that's fair to you, and I don't think that's possible.

Be... Be with me, stay with me even when I do what I do. That's more than, than anyone's done.