Fade Rift: Inbox

[pinprick]

You know what to do.

Comments

[pinprick]

What did you have in mind?

[justice_is_blond]

A meal.

[There's a short beat.]

Maybe on the top of one of the towers, or out of the way on the battlements, just the two of us. ...And Purrelden, but she doesn't count.

[pinprick]

You mean--

[oh. Like a proper couple. Candles and picnics and poetry.]

I mean, yes. I would like that very much.

[It's surprising, is all. Surprising to think of doing anything normal couples do. Everything has always been so bizarre, having something normal and easy for once would be beautiful.]

Perhaps not where we can be seen, though. I'd like to have one nice evening with you without any interruptions.

[justice_is_blond]

Perhaps not.

[He's quiet for a few moments.]

There are a few hills, about an hour's walk away from the Warden camp. We could let Herc know where we're going? I'd like a view.

[The quiet smile tone of his voice changes to be slightly teasing.]

Beyond you. You're a good one, but being somewhere in the open with a breeze would be nice.

[pinprick]

Being away with you sounds like just what I need. I'll pack us a few things. Maker, I'm glad you thought of this.

[justice_is_blond]

I'm glad too.

[And that smile's back. it's another impossibility he's getting here, and it makes him happy.]

I'll meet you at our tent in an hour's time? I'll grab some fruit and bread from the kitchens; I think there's fresh stuff and the cooks on duty this shift don't mind me.

[pinprick]

Our tent, one hour. I'll get permission from Herc, in the meantime.

[justice_is_blond]

Thank you.

[There's little reason to think Herc would say no, but it's good to let the man know. Anders has a reputation, after all. More than one. It's the running-away one that might be a cause for concern, after all.

An hour later Anders has a small bundle from the kitchens... as well as another smaller package he'd picked up in the courtyard. A merchant was selling cheese wedges for prices that weren't ridiculous. It's worth it. He's never had a date before.

There's some nerves showing in his expression when he arrives at the tent, but he's mostly feeling good about this.]

Did he give permission?

[pinprick]

[Nathaniel is holding bow, arrows, and blankets, and grinning (or his equivalent of grinning).]

Let's go. [His free hand moves to Anders' lower back, a gesture of affection as well as an indication of which direction to go.]

[justice_is_blond]

[Nate is absolutely gorgeous, and Anders places a kiss on his cheek before starting to walk.]

So when was the last time someone asked you on a date?

[pinprick]

Probably since I was a squire. [He offers his arm to Anders with a smile.] And I almost never had time to take anyone up on it.

[justice_is_blond]

You could have let that drop down a little lower.

[There's teasing in his voice as he takes Nate's arm.]

I'm just glad I don't have much to live up to or be compared with. I can't exactly call myself an expert. This will be my first.

[pinprick]

In public? [Nathaniel isn't even accustomed to kissing in front of other people, let alone ass-grabbing.] Really? Though I suppose it might make it clear people have to deal with me if they're unkind to you.

[justice_is_blond]

They're going to know, and it scares me, but I... We're at the Warden camp. They all have to know here by now.

[He gives Nate a look that's a little shy and a little mischievous.]

And I like being looked at. It's contradictory, I know, fear and that, but I've never been good at not being a mess of contradictions.

[pinprick]

You're not exactly...quiet. When we're together. So I do imagine everyone knows and isn't saying anything.

[A thoughtful glance.]

You want us to make it more obvious? Little things, like the kiss on the cheek you gave me?

[justice_is_blond]

[If he could blush, he would. As it is, Anders just looks a little sheepish.]

It's hard to be quiet when you're fucking me. And it's... I had to be, we had to be quiet in the Circle. Too much noise and we'd be caught and punished. I get to enjoy you freely now. And I would...

[He takes a breath before nodding.]

Yes. I want the little gestures more than I can say.

[pinprick]

Well then.

[Nathaniel stops walking, still very much in the Warden camp, and leans in to kiss Anders on the mouth. It isn't too heated, but it most certainly leaves no doubt as to the nature of their relationship.]

[justice_is_blond]

[He's surprised by the gesture and stiff for the briefest moment before he returns the kiss, laden arms going around Nate's waist to hold him close for these brief seconds.]

You are...

[Anders shakes his head before he takes Nate's arm again.]

I don't deserve you.

[pinprick]

Don't play that game with yourself. That way lies madness.

[Another kiss, quicker and more chaste, before he offers his arm again.]

[justice_is_blond]

You say to the possessed mage who hears a voice in his head.

[Madness is his life. But at least he has Nate, somehow.]

Though I... actually wanted to speak with you on that. A little. We don't have to now, this simply reminded me, as if I can forget that I'm possessed.

[pinprick]

Whatever's on your mind, of course.

[justice_is_blond]

[He shifts his grip so that he's holding Nate's hand instead of arm as they continue walking.]

This whole Justice removal thing, sending him back home if we can. You know it... You know I won't suddenly be the man you used to know again, right? He's... There's a large portion of him that's gone. That's lost. And I don't know how much of that can be healed. If any of it can be.

[pinprick]

[What an odd thing to say. But Anders wouldn't bring it up if he didn't fear it. He threads his fingers with Anders' and speaks without thinking.]

I liked you fine back then, Anders, but I didn't--

[Shit. No l-word. He's been avoiding that one in case he's completely crazy, in case he is as out of touch with reality as his mother used to say. But remembering her means remembering now that he knows exactly what's real, and is no longer called on to question it. He squeezes Anders' hand.]

I didn't--

[What if Anders doesn't feel the same? What if saying it pressures him to repeat back a thing he doesn't mean?]

I didn't feel--

[feel like this isn't going to reassure Anders of anything. Fine. Lesser of two evils. He stops him and turns toward him, keeping hold of his hand. His heart pounds, he feels strangely hot.]

None of us are who we were back then. Back then, I would never have done this. I would never have risked this. I was too afraid of ending up like my parents, in a marriage that poisoned them both. Back then, I was too blinded by fear to see you the way I do now. I...didn't fall in love with who you were back then, Anders. I fell in love with who you are now. And as I learn more things about you, I fall in love with those things as well.

[All right. There it is. It's strangely colder out here, despite him feeling uncomfortably warm. Maybe Anders will run away, maybe he will...Nathaniel doesn't know what he will do, but he has some feeling that it's too early to say things like this, or too late, or something.]

[justice_is_blond]

[He'd known there was love involved. He'd known from the second time they'd slept together, but he'd been so afraid that most of it was directed toward the man he no longer was.

Anders raises their joined hands and kisses the back of Nate's before looking back up at the archer.]

I let fear hold me back so often. Fear that I can't be loved as I am, fear that someone will go after you to hurt me, fear of something going wrong because it always has.

I...

[Does he love Nate? He thinks of how the man fills his heart, how it feels to be held by the archer, to sleep next to him and with him, and how terrified he is of losing him, and he has his answer.]

One of the things you're not supposed to do as a mage is fall in love. It's too dangerous. To you. To them. But I'm not in the Circle anymore. They can hurt me, but they can't forbid me this. I've fallen in love with you, and it would kill me to lose you.

[pinprick]

[The fear rushes out like the wind as Nathaniel wraps his arms around Anders and pulls him in tight. It will come back later, but there will be less of it, and he will care less. Fear matters so much less when someone loves you back.]

I love you. I'm not doing this because I want you to be who you were. I'm doing it because you're hurting, and I don't want you to be hurt by this anymore.