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You know what to do.

Whatever's on your mind, of course.

[He shifts his grip so that he's holding Nate's hand instead of arm as they continue walking.]

This whole Justice removal thing, sending him back home if we can. You know it... You know I won't suddenly be the man you used to know again, right? He's... There's a large portion of him that's gone. That's lost. And I don't know how much of that can be healed. If any of it can be.

[What an odd thing to say. But Anders wouldn't bring it up if he didn't fear it. He threads his fingers with Anders' and speaks without thinking.]

I liked you fine back then, Anders, but I didn't--

[Shit. No l-word. He's been avoiding that one in case he's completely crazy, in case he is as out of touch with reality as his mother used to say. But remembering her means remembering now that he knows exactly what's real, and is no longer called on to question it. He squeezes Anders' hand.]

I didn't--

[What if Anders doesn't feel the same? What if saying it pressures him to repeat back a thing he doesn't mean?]

I didn't feel--

[feel like this isn't going to reassure Anders of anything. Fine. Lesser of two evils. He stops him and turns toward him, keeping hold of his hand. His heart pounds, he feels strangely hot.]

None of us are who we were back then. Back then, I would never have done this. I would never have risked this. I was too afraid of ending up like my parents, in a marriage that poisoned them both. Back then, I was too blinded by fear to see you the way I do now. I...didn't fall in love with who you were back then, Anders. I fell in love with who you are now. And as I learn more things about you, I fall in love with those things as well.

[All right. There it is. It's strangely colder out here, despite him feeling uncomfortably warm. Maybe Anders will run away, maybe he will...Nathaniel doesn't know what he will do, but he has some feeling that it's too early to say things like this, or too late, or something.]

[He'd known there was love involved. He'd known from the second time they'd slept together, but he'd been so afraid that most of it was directed toward the man he no longer was.

Anders raises their joined hands and kisses the back of Nate's before looking back up at the archer.]

I let fear hold me back so often. Fear that I can't be loved as I am, fear that someone will go after you to hurt me, fear of something going wrong because it always has.

I...

[Does he love Nate? He thinks of how the man fills his heart, how it feels to be held by the archer, to sleep next to him and with him, and how terrified he is of losing him, and he has his answer.]

One of the things you're not supposed to do as a mage is fall in love. It's too dangerous. To you. To them. But I'm not in the Circle anymore. They can hurt me, but they can't forbid me this. I've fallen in love with you, and it would kill me to lose you.

[The fear rushes out like the wind as Nathaniel wraps his arms around Anders and pulls him in tight. It will come back later, but there will be less of it, and he will care less. Fear matters so much less when someone loves you back.]

I love you. I'm not doing this because I want you to be who you were. I'm doing it because you're hurting, and I don't want you to be hurt by this anymore.

[Anders holds back, tucking himself against Nate and savoring how it feels to be in his arms.]

I... Thank you.

[After a moment he turns his head and kisses the side of Nate's neck gently.]

If these don't work, what we're trying, we can figure something out. Maybe there's something we're overlooking when it comes to being at peace. Or maybe we can see if we can get him back into a corpse. I may not always be hurt by this.

[Or Nathaniel will kill Justice. Or Bethany will be the one doing the deed, but Nathaniel will be the architect of it. Nathaniel catches Anders' hand in his and begins to walk again toward the picnic spot.]

We'll think of something, if it comes up. For now, I'd like to hope one of these rituals will work. Until the world ends, I prefer to believe it will keep turning.

I'm not good at hoping. But you make it easier.

[They've reached the spot, and Anders gives Nate's hand another squeeze before releasing it.]

My teacher told me straight-out that Hope and Faith would never work with me. But if you can handle the hoping and believing, I can handle the healing.

There never was a time I thought I'd be considered an optimist. [But Nathaniel was never wrung dry as utterly as Anders.] But these days, I think I can hold down that fort, for the two of us. And what I've found is that so long as you keep going, the healing sorts itself out.

I think you mean as long as I keep going, I sort out the healing. Healer, remember?

[It's clearly teasing as he sets down his packages and holds out a hand so he can help spread the blanket out.]

I may need to remind you of what you're dating sometime soon here.

I'm sure I don't know what you mean. [He sounds too light-hearted to be talking about Justice again. He shakes out the blanket and sits on it, offering Anders a hand sitting down.]

[Nate gets a considering look, and then Anders' expression turns entirely too innocent to be real as he takes Nate's hand... and casts lightning very lightly so that Nate's hand tingles.]

You're right. You don't. I haven't truly demonstrated it yet.

[At first, he's not sure what he's feeling, till he sees the spark and looks down. Then, Nathaniel's palm opens to the feeling, eyes widening slightly as he begins to understand what Anders is talking about. There's a long pause as he processes it. He feels his skin flush all over.]

Well, [he says carefully,] we are alone, and have adequate time for a demonstration.

And let the food get cold? Colder, really. It's not warm out here.

[He looks entirely pleased with himself as he releases Nate's hand and starts unwrapping the food, offering bread to Nate as if he'd not done anything special at all. He has, and the red of Nate's face tells him everything.]

We could have the demonstration as a sort of desert.

[Nathaniel leans in to pluck a kiss from Anders' lips, then sits back, smiling from ear to ear.]

Sounds like my favorite kind of dessert.

[He pulls out a bottle of wine--good wine--and pours two glasses.]

[He leaves his eyes closed for several moments after the kiss, trying to memorize every bit of this moment. There are no words for how nice it is. Opening them, he accepts the glass of wine and raises it.]

I'm going to make you glad you said that. Though if there's a sensation you're not interested in feeling, you should say. Actually, we could probably use some discussion of what we like or don't.

That's...not a conversation I'm practiced with. Would you mind starting?

I don't mind.

[He gives Nate a gentle kiss on the cheek.]

I like a great many things, and I like trying new things as well, but there are a few areas that hold no appeal to me. I... I don't want to be tied or cuffed. Hands holding me in place are fine, I think. I've also no interest in pain beyond light biting and scratching. Giving or receiving.

[Nate gets another kiss before Anders takes a sip of wine and resumes talking. This is easy when you're shameless.]

Blindfolds are dependent on the day. Sometimes they're entertaining, sometimes they aren't. And on the other side of the spectrum you've already happened upon one of the things I very much enjoy - begging. I like when my words move my partner. I like being kissed during. And I like when someone's a bit forceful,like, say, shoving me against a tree in the middle of other people.

That last isn't at all the sort of thing I would do, [Nathaniel teases, deadpan.] What about purely symbolic restraint? A scarf draped across your wrists, for example? I loathe humiliation, but there is something about consenting vulnerability...

[He blushes faintly and starts to root through the basket of food. Ooh, bread and pork. He pulls out both and goes about making a sandwich.]

[Oh, that blush. He'd do a lot of things to inspire more of that.]

I've never tried it, but I would. I trust you. I could be vulnerable like that for you.

It's very...intimate, when that happens. Even the faint flinch of pain, it is so utterly intimate. I couldn't care less if you were actually in pain. I just want to see you...unguarded. Lost to everything in the world but me.

[His breath catches. He reaches out to touch Anders' face, to cup his jaw.]

Is that...frightening? I would never hurt you, Anders. I would never let you fall, or do anything against your consent. But if you will let me...surprise you. Perhaps you might be a little afraid--just enough fear to be exciting, if it's done right. But you will never come to harm.

[He leans into the touch, feeling both turned on and a little nervous.]

I'm not... I'm not good at being unguarded. Part of me worries that letting go too much, it could let Justice take control and that risk scares me. I don't like the blank spots in my memory after, the wondering if I've, what I've done this time.

[He takes a slow breath.]

And yet I find what you're suggesting appealing. With you alone. Surprise, and trust, and you.

I have the impression that the last thing Justice wants is to wake up to me making love to him.

[So much for the mood. Anders pulls away a little from Nate's touch, shaking his head.]

You've quite the ability to turn me on... and apparently quite the ability to stop that too. Pass the pork? I'd like a sandwich too.

[The important thing is that Justice heard. A deterrent, to keep him from interrupting during their sessions. Anders' control isn't nearly as important there as Justice's control, as much as Anders wants to blame himself.

Nathaniel passes him the pork with a bit of a sigh.]

To tell you the truth, the things I...fantasize, with you...the ones I spend the most time thinking on aren't sexual at all. And the ones that are, they're less spicy and more...sweet.