pinprick | Fade Rift: Inbox

You know what to do.

[Nathaniel is holding bow, arrows, and blankets, and grinning (or his equivalent of grinning).]

Let's go. [His free hand moves to Anders' lower back, a gesture of affection as well as an indication of which direction to go.]

[Nate is absolutely gorgeous, and Anders places a kiss on his cheek before starting to walk.]

So when was the last time someone asked you on a date?

Probably since I was a squire. [He offers his arm to Anders with a smile.] And I almost never had time to take anyone up on it.

You could have let that drop down a little lower.

[There's teasing in his voice as he takes Nate's arm.]

I'm just glad I don't have much to live up to or be compared with. I can't exactly call myself an expert. This will be my first.

In public? [Nathaniel isn't even accustomed to kissing in front of other people, let alone ass-grabbing.] Really? Though I suppose it might make it clear people have to deal with me if they're unkind to you.

They're going to know, and it scares me, but I... We're at the Warden camp. They all have to know here by now.

[He gives Nate a look that's a little shy and a little mischievous.]

And I like being looked at. It's contradictory, I know, fear and that, but I've never been good at not being a mess of contradictions.

You're not exactly...quiet. When we're together. So I do imagine everyone knows and isn't saying anything.

[A thoughtful glance.]

You want us to make it more obvious? Little things, like the kiss on the cheek you gave me?

[If he could blush, he would. As it is, Anders just looks a little sheepish.]

It's hard to be quiet when you're fucking me. And it's... I had to be, we had to be quiet in the Circle. Too much noise and we'd be caught and punished. I get to enjoy you freely now. And I would...

[He takes a breath before nodding.]

Yes. I want the little gestures more than I can say.

Well then.

[Nathaniel stops walking, still very much in the Warden camp, and leans in to kiss Anders on the mouth. It isn't too heated, but it most certainly leaves no doubt as to the nature of their relationship.]

[He's surprised by the gesture and stiff for the briefest moment before he returns the kiss, laden arms going around Nate's waist to hold him close for these brief seconds.]

You are...

[Anders shakes his head before he takes Nate's arm again.]

I don't deserve you.

Don't play that game with yourself. That way lies madness.

[Another kiss, quicker and more chaste, before he offers his arm again.]

You say to the possessed mage who hears a voice in his head.

[Madness is his life. But at least he has Nate, somehow.]

Though I... actually wanted to speak with you on that. A little. We don't have to now, this simply reminded me, as if I can forget that I'm possessed.

Whatever's on your mind, of course.

[He shifts his grip so that he's holding Nate's hand instead of arm as they continue walking.]

This whole Justice removal thing, sending him back home if we can. You know it... You know I won't suddenly be the man you used to know again, right? He's... There's a large portion of him that's gone. That's lost. And I don't know how much of that can be healed. If any of it can be.

[What an odd thing to say. But Anders wouldn't bring it up if he didn't fear it. He threads his fingers with Anders' and speaks without thinking.]

I liked you fine back then, Anders, but I didn't--

[Shit. No l-word. He's been avoiding that one in case he's completely crazy, in case he is as out of touch with reality as his mother used to say. But remembering her means remembering now that he knows exactly what's real, and is no longer called on to question it. He squeezes Anders' hand.]

I didn't--

[What if Anders doesn't feel the same? What if saying it pressures him to repeat back a thing he doesn't mean?]

I didn't feel--

[feel like this isn't going to reassure Anders of anything. Fine. Lesser of two evils. He stops him and turns toward him, keeping hold of his hand. His heart pounds, he feels strangely hot.]

None of us are who we were back then. Back then, I would never have done this. I would never have risked this. I was too afraid of ending up like my parents, in a marriage that poisoned them both. Back then, I was too blinded by fear to see you the way I do now. I...didn't fall in love with who you were back then, Anders. I fell in love with who you are now. And as I learn more things about you, I fall in love with those things as well.

[All right. There it is. It's strangely colder out here, despite him feeling uncomfortably warm. Maybe Anders will run away, maybe he will...Nathaniel doesn't know what he will do, but he has some feeling that it's too early to say things like this, or too late, or something.]

[He'd known there was love involved. He'd known from the second time they'd slept together, but he'd been so afraid that most of it was directed toward the man he no longer was.

Anders raises their joined hands and kisses the back of Nate's before looking back up at the archer.]

I let fear hold me back so often. Fear that I can't be loved as I am, fear that someone will go after you to hurt me, fear of something going wrong because it always has.

I...

[Does he love Nate? He thinks of how the man fills his heart, how it feels to be held by the archer, to sleep next to him and with him, and how terrified he is of losing him, and he has his answer.]

One of the things you're not supposed to do as a mage is fall in love. It's too dangerous. To you. To them. But I'm not in the Circle anymore. They can hurt me, but they can't forbid me this. I've fallen in love with you, and it would kill me to lose you.

[The fear rushes out like the wind as Nathaniel wraps his arms around Anders and pulls him in tight. It will come back later, but there will be less of it, and he will care less. Fear matters so much less when someone loves you back.]

I love you. I'm not doing this because I want you to be who you were. I'm doing it because you're hurting, and I don't want you to be hurt by this anymore.

[Anders holds back, tucking himself against Nate and savoring how it feels to be in his arms.]

I... Thank you.

[After a moment he turns his head and kisses the side of Nate's neck gently.]

If these don't work, what we're trying, we can figure something out. Maybe there's something we're overlooking when it comes to being at peace. Or maybe we can see if we can get him back into a corpse. I may not always be hurt by this.

[Or Nathaniel will kill Justice. Or Bethany will be the one doing the deed, but Nathaniel will be the architect of it. Nathaniel catches Anders' hand in his and begins to walk again toward the picnic spot.]

We'll think of something, if it comes up. For now, I'd like to hope one of these rituals will work. Until the world ends, I prefer to believe it will keep turning.

I'm not good at hoping. But you make it easier.

[They've reached the spot, and Anders gives Nate's hand another squeeze before releasing it.]

My teacher told me straight-out that Hope and Faith would never work with me. But if you can handle the hoping and believing, I can handle the healing.

There never was a time I thought I'd be considered an optimist. [But Nathaniel was never wrung dry as utterly as Anders.] But these days, I think I can hold down that fort, for the two of us. And what I've found is that so long as you keep going, the healing sorts itself out.

I think you mean as long as I keep going, I sort out the healing. Healer, remember?

[It's clearly teasing as he sets down his packages and holds out a hand so he can help spread the blanket out.]

I may need to remind you of what you're dating sometime soon here.

I'm sure I don't know what you mean. [He sounds too light-hearted to be talking about Justice again. He shakes out the blanket and sits on it, offering Anders a hand sitting down.]

[Nate gets a considering look, and then Anders' expression turns entirely too innocent to be real as he takes Nate's hand... and casts lightning very lightly so that Nate's hand tingles.]

You're right. You don't. I haven't truly demonstrated it yet.

[At first, he's not sure what he's feeling, till he sees the spark and looks down. Then, Nathaniel's palm opens to the feeling, eyes widening slightly as he begins to understand what Anders is talking about. There's a long pause as he processes it. He feels his skin flush all over.]

Well, [he says carefully,] we are alone, and have adequate time for a demonstration.